* * *
“Yes, Marion, since the Church is all about suing people." - Margaret
"Yes! We'll get more money! We'll be out of a financial crisis!" - Marion, age 11
* * *
“Well, you raised her." - Marion, referring to Margaret
"No, she raised me." - Mommy's reply.
* * *
“I think it can be 'modify my verb' because adverbs are very sexy." - Catherine
* * *
“If everybody got laid enough, there would be no politics." - Catherine
* * *
“Dip me in honey and throw me to the Democrats!" - Margaret
* * *
“I think I'm going to teach the dog to be evil." - Margaret
* * *
“I never lose. I just lure you into winning." - Lyah
* * *
“Come live with me and be my bug-killing love." - Margaret
* * *
“That's not Nick Burns, that's the Pope." - Margaret
* * *
“I know a Moldovan manwhore!" - Margaret
* * *
“I have a two-track mind - Tony Blair, and sheep. Two. Distinct. Tracks." - Catherine
* * *
““There are disadvantages to MAOI’s – you can’t eat aged cheese, or red wine –“
“Well, what’s the point in living??!!!”
– Margaret’s take on Professor Wiseman’s lecture
* * *
“So if someone's suicidal, you could have them telephone a friend - what else could they do?"
"Ask the audience?”
– ditto
* * *
“I know I'm hard to take seriously when I'm green ...” – Margaret
* * *
“As a loving sister, I can't quite bring myself to sell my brother as a foreign sex slave. Quite.” – Catherine
* * *
“Today’s lesson is brought to you by the letter S – as in syphilis.” – Leah
* * *
“We took this conversation severely off course, rode the Purgatorial bus all the way out of there.”
“We hijacked the Purgatorial bus and made it go to Denny’s.”
“There’s no Denny’s in Spain, but it doesn’t matter because we were in Siena.”
“No, but there’s a Denny’s in hell.”
“Anyway, to get back to where the conversation was before we took the Purgatorial bus all the way to Psycho-land …”
– Leah and Margaret
* * *
“It’s a classical conditioning model – I mean, usually the way it works is, you see women’s underwear and a few minutes later, you have sex. Unless you’re in Filene’s.”
“Yeah, then it’s more like, you see women’s underwear and a few minutes later, guards drag you from the store.”
“And if that’s an arousing experience for you, then it works.”
- Margaret and Michele, studying for Abnormal Psych.
* * *
“Wait, why are you leaving?”
“Because you don’t have farm animals on your pants.”
“Oh, so all these years I’ve been doing ‘cool’ wrong.” – Catherine, Leah, Margaret
* * *
"I had an idea, and you made ... you SCARED it!!" - Catherine
* * *
"Mexican workers' revenge for NAFTA" - Catherine defines "tequila"
* * *
"Yes, I have superior study skills, which I use mainly for looking up pictures of Tony Blair on the internet, and trying to figure out ways to get candy for free. Brilliant." - Margaret
* * *
"I am my liver's dominatrix!" - Catherine
* * *
"There would still be fistfights, it would just be between Jesus and Pope Innocent III" - Adam
* * *
"We've got sheep-angel smackdown going on." - Grace, on Christmas.
* * *
"Nobody supplies me with any quality bourbon!!" - My cousin Molly, age 14
* * *
"From now on, the quality of each day will be measured by whether it begins with my nostril hairs freezing solid or not." - Margaret, in Montreal
* * *
"I feel hearty." - Catherine, in Montreal
* * *
"I could live for a long time off the meat off my Margaret-raft!" - Jon
* * *
“I would totally have sex with Professor Winer. He’s the most adorable old man.” – Michele
* * *
“It’s hollow. I think I smoked the filter.” – Catherine
* * *
"Margaret, I'm very sorry for killing and eating you yesterday." - Jon
* * *
“You were supposed to get the reserve Ninjas! I got hors d’oeuvres!” - Margaret
* * *
"Apparently, your sister feels she is not getting enough cock in her everyday movie-going experience." - Dan
* * *
“You’re good, God’s good, where’s the booze?” – Michele, describing Old English Wassailing.
* * *
“Come on, Thackeray, give us the cock!!” – Margaret, describing “Vanity Fair”
* * *
“Unless you’re going to give me a small country to take care of, I don’t need this petty bullshit.” - Lyah
* * *
“I need more cock in my everyday thesis experience.” - Catherine
* * *
"You know what would be a really bad name for a child? Hegemony. Can't you imagine that? 'This is my daughter, Hegemony. And my son, Naval Blockade'." – Margaret
* * *
"Do people call you Maggie?”
“No.”
“Is that because you punch them?”
- Stephanie and Margaret
* * *
“I want to major in hamsters.” – Margaret
* * *
“You cause beautiful boys in period costume to be wet. We worship you.” – Catherine
* * *
“I’ve discovered that reading a book about terrorism on public transportation gets you very odd looks.” - Catherine
* * *
"According to my grandmother, there are two kinds of people - Irish Catholics and the Godless. Occasionally she'll make exceptions for other kinds of Catholics. Like the Pope." - Catherine
* * *
"Think of all the trees I've saved reading the New York Times online. And the gasoline to transport it. And all the jobs I've destroyed." – Mommy
* * *
“You know, I can’t expect to keep getting by on the length of my penis alone.” – Matt G.
* * *
"It's not a good idea to wear your career choice on your belt buckle." - Michele
* * *
"Yeah, no more fishing with the foetuses." - Jude
"Not as bait." - Carter
* * *
“I mean, what is safe to lick on a man???!!!” – Catherine
* * *
“Margaret, you don’t say that when looking at naked men – ‘I’m just disappointed it doesn’t get any bigger’.” – Michele, while looking with Margaret at pictures of Rupert Graves with his kit off.
* * *
“The Crimean War was just a big mess, with people dying of gangrene and shit.” – Catherine
* * *
“There’s a really high incidence of homosexuality among penguins. It probably has something to do with making sure there are enough males to take care of the young, even with the high mortality rate among adults.”
“I think it’s the tuxedoes.”
“And seagulls are all lesbians. And bonobos, our closest relatives, are all crazed bisexual sex fiends.”
- Mommy and Margaret
* * *
“That would be great – choose-your-own-adventure theses. ‘If your results are significant, turn to page 26. If your results are not significant, turn to page 34.’ ‘Congratulations. You have made honours,’ or ‘congratulations, you are living in your parents’ basement in Queens ’.”
“It would be so sad if you became homeless due to, like, .001 of a percentage point in an ANOVA. ‘Thesis Choose-Your-Own-Adventure: Rich successful Psychologist or Dirty Homeless Person?’ You could spend the rest of your life muttering about TUKEY tests and having people throw change at you.”
- Michele and Margaret
* * *
“People can go recreationally hunting without having NRA bumper stickers on their cars and squirrels dangling from their windshield.” – Matt G.
* * *
"That's another thing you shouldn't say when looking at naked men - 'it needs to be stiffer'." - Michele, after Margaret complained about the lack of stiffness in the Hot Pockets container.
* * *
“It’s the psychotherapist … of DEATH.” – Michele
* * *
“I laugh, but I’m crying inside.” – Michele
* * *
“I want to write some manifestoes, other than ‘Male Pubic-Hair Grooming,’ such as ‘Proper Use of Flip-Flops’ and ‘You Are Too Tan For January’.” – Michele
* * *
“I would love to be a pumpkin.”
“Yeah … pumpkins don’t have existential angst, as far as I know.”
“Pumpkins are orange. That’s a brave colour to pull off when you’re so round.”
- Lyah and Margaret
* * *
“She declared that there would be cheese fries. And it was so. And they were good.” – Lyah
* * *
“I’d be like, ‘I’m a bisexual sado-masochistic Gemini,’ and they’d be like, ‘wow, you really can’t make up your mind, can you?’” - Lyah
* * *
“How do you make a bisexual sado-masochistic Gemini cry? Have a man and a woman dangle handcuffs in front of them and say, ‘you choose’.” – Lyah
* * *
“Do you know how long I spent writing that section, Professor Anselmi? And now you want it all gone? Right, should I shoot myself now or hang myself poetically by my honour cord at graduation?” – Margaret
* * *
“Please. Like the guys I go out with could afford to pay for a real date. They need that money for bail.” - Lyah
* * *
“I’m an old-fashioned girl – I want my men to have been born with their penises.” - Lyah
* * *
“At every side, I’m being cut off. Can’t go for a drive because I have no gas. Can’t pace my room because there’s shit in it. Can’t go for a walk around my neighbourhood because there are freaks living in it …” – Lyah
* * *
“I desire a small ursine-shaped piece of gelatin!” - Catherine
* * *
“What do you want to do today, Igor? Refute Marxist-Leninism, or do a manly dance?” - Catherine
* * *
“Which begs the question of exactly how much duck sauce God has.” – Margaret
* * *
"I know you like older men, but they have to be alive!!" - Margaret
* * *
"Maybe Austin and my mom should just get it on. That would solve everyone's problems." - Michele
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