2010, part II

"It's colder tonight than last night - I don't think we'll be able to have any romantic interludes in the park." - Margaret
"Awww." - Malcolm
"But we can have a quick snog by the rubbish bins if you like!" - Margaret"
"Yaaay!" - Malcolm

* * *

Margaret: Why do you keep showering the bed with writing implements? Is it some sort of symbolic love gift to me? If so, your tribal rituals are very weird.
Malcolm: It's a satirical commentary on the state of marriage in the 21st century.
Margaret: ... uh ... how?
Malcolm: I don't know.
Margaret: You might want to work on that bit.

* * *

"Aww, your two wives get high together - that's so sweet!" - Catherine

* * *

"It says the next exit is ... fermee?? Does that mean ... on fire?" - Margaret

* * *

"You'd be like, 'hello, may I sit in your living room and eat this book and gargle occasionally? It's for science!'" - Margaret

"And they'd be like, 'oh my God, I thought you went home!'" - Catherine

* * *

"It's MIDGET SPIES, Margaret! Live the dream!" - Catherine

* * *

“I think there’s a limit to how much phenomenal cosmic power you can have earning £100 a day.” – Margaret

* * *

“If you’re lying there, draped in the American flag, you can get one of your ‘peacekeepers’ to get you some wine.”
“What if I appoint you my peacekeeper?”
“I’m going for a cigarette.”
“If I don’t get wine, the terrorists win! I DON’T HAVE WINE! THEY’RE WINNING!” - Malcolm and Margaret

* * *

“I can’t believe we’re sitting here, talking about shepherd boy porn, while my husband is locked in the recycling centre. With a waxwork.” – Margaret

* * *

[about fish porn] “Imagine being the director.”
“So, is it the act of laying eggs, or the money shot that’s important?” – Malcolm and Harlequin

* * *

“Were you inspired by Harry Harrison? And Snorri Sturluson? And Magnus Magnusson?” - Malcolm
“Yeah, I’m just writing the part where the Stainless Steel Rat deals someone their death blow by answering questions about the Belgian economy.” - Catherine
“… That’s one talented rat.” – Margaret

* * *

“I’m 150 pages in and nobody’s even died yet!” – Margaret, reading an Agatha Christie novel
“I *hate* books where you get 150 pages in and nobody’s even died! I read a bunch of books to the Reception class the other day and nobody died at ALL. I’ve just ordered a bunch of new books for Reception, I can tell you that!” – Malcolm

* * *

“Actually, maybe arming sleep-deprived new mothers with needles and scissors isn’t the best idea …” – Margaret

2010, Part I (with some 2009 quotes that were forgotten before).

I realise there were some repeats in the last update, but I'm not going to go back and fix it, so y'all can just deal. Also, there are some that got left out of the last update, so some of those are here, but predate the last post.

* * *

"I can't go to Kew Gardens on Thursday - I have ethics." - Liz Webster

* * *

"You hurt his feelings, COMMA, and belittled them!!" - Moray

* * *

"A three-year-old shouldn't make you doubt your own existence." - Liz Ellis

* * *

"Speaking of crazy things that you could do to your kids that would kill them ..." - Liz Ellis

* * *

"I didn't know what it was, but I knew it wasn't BLANCMANGE or MAGIC." - Catherine

* * *

"And then to the casual observer, it LOOKED like I stole a cookie from a homeless person, but this was NOT true ..." - Margaret

* * *

"Songs of Prey - a birdsong show for cats!" - Margaret

* * *

"Malcolm's never going to watch the football with us again - it's all coups and Muppet sex!" - Margaret

* * *

“I think you actually mentioned that it was a shame your shirt was ruined while it was still aflame.” – Catherine

* * *

“So, the depressing Nazis can now be the problem of the poor.” – Catherine
“WE ARE THE POOR.” – Margaret

* * *

“I just love the idea of using small, yet recalcitrant, animals as currency.” – Margaret

* * *

“Facebook keeps giving me ads for lesbians and cooking.”
"Do you like lesbians? Do you like cooking? Why not cook some lesbians?” – Catherine and Margaret

* * *

“NO! This twenty-first century is WRONG! You’ve got cats harvesting artichokes!” – Malcolm

* * *

"Breasts and people falling down. That’s going to be my wedding album. Maybe I should have hired a professional.” – Margaret

* * *

“Homer’s been misinterpreted for centuries. It’s all about cheesy fries.” – Catherine

* * *

“I may or may not know the name of one person who may or may not have gotten fat. Or bald.” – Catherine

* * *

Peter: Daddy has big penis!
Josh: ...err, thank you, Peter.
Peter: Peter have little penis.
Josh: Heh. Yes, that's right. Just don't say that at school.
Peter: Mommy's penis big too!
Josh: Peter, there's a little flaw in your logic there...

* * *

Me: Oh, how lovely, to be stepping out on a Saturday afternoon with my beau.

Malcolm: Indeed. To enjoy a promenade on the ... on Leyton High Street. Would it be presumptuous of me to ask if I may call on you later?

Me: Well, I shall have to check with Mama. Has she met your people? Are they suitable?

Malcolm: Well, we are connected to the Suffolk Houstons.

Me: Indeed? The Suffolk Houstons? I do believe we met them at the Duchess of Bedfordshire's birthday party. (pause) They all got shitfaced and fell down onto the whist table.

* * *

Malcolm: "We had to go to the butcher, and the baker, and -"

Liz Ellis: "The candlestick-maker?"

Malcolm: "No ..."

Liz Ellis: "I was just saying what everyone else was thinking ..."