* * *
“You do realise that babies are people, right?” - Margaret
“Not real people! They’re, like, seed people!!” - Catherine
* * *
“He just needs to come out of the closet!! We just need to shake him!!” - Margaret
“Until the gayness comes out?” – Catherine
* * *
David: I’m sorry – I’m from the Midwest. Go ahead, get all the stereotypes out.
Margaret: Are you Lutheran?
Sapna: Do you go cow-tipping?
David: Yes. We go cow-tipping. At our Lutheran mass. It’s what we do instead of communion, actually.
Margaret: Except you just gave yourself away by saying 'mass.'
* * *
“Okay, let me just put the penis in the microwave …” – Margaret
* * *
“Shall we empty the dishwasher? And then load it again? Thus providing a symbol for the futility of life?” - Margaret
* * *
“You don’t want to end up saying, ‘Yeah, I used to have an inheritance … then I had some champagne …’ “
“ ‘Then I went out with Peter Mandelson …’ ”
“ ‘Now I have an arrest record …’ ”
- Margaret and Catherine
* * *
“It’s Saturday night! I want my Huns to be naked!!” – Elizabeth
* * *
“I have a penis of steel!!” - Elizabeth
* * *
"Wouldn't it be funny if while you were worrying about finding a father for your future children, I had a factory in the basement that was churning out, like, thirty of you a day?" - Catherine
* * *
"I teach the next generation. He designs missiles. And I make a quarter of what he does, if I'm lucky. I'm going to go outside and kill myself with this fork." - Margaret
"The guy who designed that fork probably makes more than you do." - Jamey
* * *
"Fish. What do they do? They swim around, and then they die. Great. I could have put that on a screensaver and saved myself cleaning the cage and the burial at sea." - Leah
* * *
"It all went downhill once Sammy started singing 'The Itsy-Bitsy Spider' at the top of his lungs." - My coworker Kristen, explaining how naptime got cut short one day.
* * *
"I'm so freaking tired of work. 'Whine whine whine, I'm homeless'." - Michele, a case worker for the homeless.
"Seriously! Get over it, people! We've ALL got problems!!" - Margaret
* * *
"I was considering opening a store called the Crack Emporium. I could tell the police I sold thongs." - Margaret
* * *
"It's plotting against you. There will be more every day. It will creep out of the refrigerator and ooze along the floor. Then one day it'll be wearing little berets and reading The Communist Manifesto when it thinks you're not looking." - Margaret
"Dammit, only I can accidentally create regenerating Marxist-Leninist chili." - Catherine
* * *
"Hee hee hee penis jokes are funny hee hee hee ..." - Leah, commenting on the biting satire of the Capitol Steps.
* * *
"You are not showing the proper fear and respect for the Lloyd George dance!!" - Margaret
* * *
"Yeah, the Shakers weren't so much into porn." - Margaret
* * *
"I think I can get around it!!" - Lyah, referring to a lamppost in the parking lot.
"That's going to be on your gravestone, isn't it? 'Lyah Hallow. 'I think I can get around it!'.' " - Catherine
"Hmm, yours will read, 'Catherine Martin - 'No, I know exactly where we are!' ' And Michele's will read, 'Michele Della Latta - 'aw, crap'.' " - Margaret
* * *
"This hamster and I are sort of spiritual comrades." - My dad.
* * *
"Does it taste of pain?" - Michele
* * *
"Of all the affectionate nicknames I've had in my life - you know, 'darling', 'sweetheart', 'light of my life' ... 'germ-riddled bitch' - that one moves me to the core the most. I flick water at you now." - Margaret
* * *
"I want to hang with Jesus. He has the booze." - Lyah
* * *
"Yeah, I can imagine that. 'Hey, Mommy, your daughter was a runner-up in the Clean Sheets 'Sex and Politics' writing contest. For this, she won a book of porn, which she keeps hidden on her shelf behind her teddy bear. Aren't you just bursting with pride?' " - Margaret
* * *
"So you rode a horse whose mother or father was conceived in a kinky horse threesome." - Margaret
* * *
"My sister, the queen of gay porn." - Grace
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