* * *
"And what are you going to do with that? " - Malcolm, to his three-year-old nephew, who was holding a rock
"I’m going to keep it. As a pet. " - The nephew’s response
* * *
"The Norwegians should go into battle riding seals. With tridents. " - Catherine
"Do the Norwegians even go into battle any more? " - Margaret
"They would if they had seals. " - Catherine
* * *
"I like candles, but I’m not going to name my child Spencer Mulberry Splash." - Michele
* * *
"I should shave you and then give you a handmade felt yurt nativity set! Father O’Connell’s getting really creative with his penances lately. " - Margaret
* * *
"There’s something fundamentally untranslatable about ‘asshat’. " - Margaret
* * *
"A Noah Mystery Play is very difficult to write, because nothing rhymes with ‘animal’. " - Margaret
* * *
"I’m speaking in iambic pentameter now. " - Margaret
"Well, I’m not listening in iambic pentameter now. " - Malcolm
* * *
"And then the springboks would burst through the office window and unlock it from the inside …" - Malcolm
"Having suddenly developed thumbs?" - Margaret
"DUH … they would be carrying chimpanzees!! " - Malcolm
* * *
"Margaret, when you’re out of clothing, you stop. You don’t start removing body parts. That would be strip-and-dismember poker. Less popular. " - Catherine
* * *
"Technically, you get in more trouble if it isn’t your sheep. " - Catherine
* * *
"Do you think I’m just randomly going around taking pictures of people’s arses? " - Catherine
* * *
"There’s booze and costumes and food and painkillers everywhere! " - Catherine
* * *
"Situations like this are why God, in his wisdom, created the internet movie database. And God is good. " - Margaret
* * *
"Yeah, Peter and Mirror Baby are, like, BFF.” – Josh
* * *
"You’re worried about crying in public? I just ran across the pub pretending to shag a cow and nobody batted an eyelid.” – Malcolm
* * *
"Then I could tell the Home Office, ‘hey, nobody else was willing to do transubstantiation!’” – Catherine
"What can I say, I’m a girl with loose morals.” – Margaret
* * *
"I’m English. I’m good at Foreign things.” – Moray
"You actually speak a few words of Foreign, don’t you?” – Catherine
"Yes. Donnez-moi votre pays. Give me your country.” – Moray
* * *
"I want to be a part of any charity that allows me to inject people in the ass and run away!” – Catherine
* * *
"If I stay at this job until the end of the building project, that’s two and a half more years. That’s armed robbery with time off for good behaviour.” – Malcolm
* * *
"I should probably go to bed sometime soon, just to keep up some pretense of actually being diurnal.” – Margaret, at 4:30 a.m.
* * *
"You’ll be buying me the occasional drink, but you will not be in any way maintaining me. I’m an independent woman – I have my parents for that.” – Margaret and Malcolm get used to the new financial arrangement.
* * *
"And this descended into … him … playing chess …. with a halibut … in a porno …” – Margaret
* * *
"I’m getting you Paris for your birthday. I currently have an army of slowworms encamped in Notre-Dame Cathedral.” – Malcolm
"This is not going to end well, is it? I’m going to get a bunch of dead slowworms for my birthday, aren’t I?” – Margaret
"You’ll like the general. He’s a capital chap.” – Malcolm
* * *
"NO!!! The gays are much SMARTER than you think – why the FUCK would gay people want to go to RHODE ISLAND???” – Margaret
* * *
"How do I GOOGLE a COLLECTIVE DELUSION???” – Margaret
* * *
* * *
"You’re just going to be married – I’m going to be drunk!” – Catherine
* * *
"My hobby is to get righteously indignant about things that make no sense.” – Catherine
* * *
"I’m all in favour of art that engages you, but it needs to be a relationship – not, like, just you talking quietly and soothingly through the door to the art, which has locked itself in the bathroom.” – Catherine
* * *
"Oh, someone just walked over my grave. Hey, you know, wouldn’t it suck if it turned out your grave was, like, on a major pedestrian thoroughfare?” – Margaret
"We don’t know for sure that that’s not what causes Parkinson’s disease.” – Catherine
* * *
"It was funny and we nearly died.” – Margaret
"That pretty much sums up our entire friendship.” – Leah
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