* * *
"What do you mean, I haven’t shown you my ninja first communion outfit?" - Catherine
* * *
"I trust you to know which is which, because the universe would be in serious trouble if it were ruled by a giant invisible schizophrenic who thinks he’s a cat." - Margaret
* * *
"I want to sit here, watch CSI, look at lolcats, and say ‘asshat’ a lot." - Margaret
"You do that. You follow your bliss." - Catherine
"I will! That bliss is being followed" - Margaret
"That bliss is looking in the rearview mirror, going, ‘help! I’m being followed!’” " - Catherine
* * *
"It took me ages to figure out that Jermaine was a footballer and not Germaine Greer. Maybe this is why I don't have a boyfriend." - Catherine
* * *
"There are plenty of people who fancy me ONSTAGE, but none who fancy me OFFSTAGE." - Margaret
"Yeah, but the four onstage - one's gay, two are married, and one's a woman." - Catherine
"... the woman could fancy me." - Margaret
"She's straight." - Catherine
"Actually, there are plenty of people who fancy me offstage as well, but one of them is in jail and I'm not allowed to talk to another one because the sight of me apparently makes him try to kill himself." - Margaret
* * *
"I think we've managed to reach a new low of bad taste." - Margaret, after all the necrophiliac Hitler jokes.
* * *
"Hey, just because I liked to dress people up in black shirts and invade Poland doesn't mean you can compare me with Hitler!" - Catherine
* * *
"My transformation into a middle-aged Black woman just got derailed by a Mr. T implant." - Margaret
* * *
"I’m just the physical embodiment of a Dali painting." - Margaret
* * *
"Now they’re going to put us in jail, with Bullet-Tooth Tony who didn’t mow his lawn." - Catherine
* * *
"You're an apostate from Christianity - you're not an apostate from the Great Faith Of The Wheeled Froggies." - Margaret
* * *
"The whole world would be covered in mango trees!! And then we would all die when the great mango blight came!! ... I may be over-estimating my powers of mango consumption." - Catherine
" ... just maybe." - Margaret
* * *
"I'm watching CSI - in the first two minutes, there was a high-speed police chase, two girls in their underwear, and a severed head. I love this show." - Margaret
* * *
"Dogs are more manly, I suppose." - Margaret
"And generally more obedient, so it's more rewarding to train them. Logan would probably learn how to assemble rockets if we gave him enough milkbones." - Michele
"I could actually see the uses of that. I mean, sometimes you just need a rocket assembled." - Margaret
"Yeah, it's a common problem." - Michele
* * *
"I've been online with Michele for two minutes, and already we're talking about hosting telethons for dogs who can't build rockets." - Margaret
* * *
"I have the best name for Grace's baby if it's a boy. Richard Pritchard Burson!" - Michele
"Oh, they've thought of that. It could be better, though: Richard Pritchard MacPherson Burson." - Margaret
* * *
"Saturday night I wanted to have "fun" so Matt and I drank 1 beer each and both independently fell asleep on separate couches within 15 minutes." - Michele
* * *
"We know it's the Rubicon because there was the Expository Peasant of the Rubicon!" - Catherine watches "Rome."
* * *
"Your queen is having an affair with my knight. I mean, I don't think there's any way of getting out of her capturing him, but at least it demeans her a little bit." - Margaret
* * *
"I don't think hypnosis is an approved method of playing chess." - Catherine
* * *
"You think the cat converted to Islam without telling you?" - Catherine
* * *
"We have four degrees between us, and what are we doing? Watching the cat smell the carpet." - Catherine
* * *
"I'm such a man - see my big pink satin bow!" - Margaret does 17th-century fashion.
* * *
"I was so busy defending St. Augustine that I forgot to pay for my sausages." - Margaret
* * *
"God, I'd so do him." - Margaret
"Oh, I'd do him in a second." - Catherine
"Me first; he's my character!" - Margaret
* * *
"It's porn - you don't need to bother with similes!" - Margaret
* * *
"Yeah, nothing takes the fun out of assassinations and whoring like bad fashion and prayer." - Margaret
* * *
"They'll bump us to another flight that leaves from Gatwick in an hour." - Margaret
"Your MOM leaves from Gatwick in one hour!" - Catherine
* * *
"You’ll end up flying by way of Alaska. And never getting out. You’ll be standing in eight feet of snow and they’ll be all like, ‘sorry, this flight is delayed for six months due to ill-advised choice of airport location’." - Margaret
* * *
"Oh yeah, show me the fan vaults, baby, that’s how I like it." - Margaret
* * *
"Yeah, the seventeenth century was half about ‘An Ode Upon The Manor House Of Stick-Up-Your-Butt, At The Occasion Of A Dinner Party Hosted By Lord Snuffleupagus. Where We Had Goose’." - Margaret
* * *
"Cavalier poets, yeah. You don’t see collections of the works of Roundhead poets very often, do you? You know, like, ‘roses are red, violets are blue, God will come again, and smite you.’ It doesn’t scan because scantion is the work of the devil." - Catherine
* * *
"The only thing you need that many priests for is a wedding or an exorcism." - Catherine
* * *
"That’s why I fell in love with you, Ethan – your mad hoedown skills." - Margaret, to Moray’s character, ad-libbed. On camera.
* * *
"That's not a great name for a paint company – ‘Swallow Paints’." - Catherine
"be worse. Could be a paint and dye company. ‘Swallow Paints And Dye’." - Tom (Catherine's brother)
* * *
"What the hell were you both doing awake enough to have sex at 7:30 a.m.?? What kind of fucking overachievers are you?." - Margaret
* * *
"So now you know - investigate possible intruders first, have nookie later." - Margaret
"I'll have to write that down somewhere. On a post-it note on the fridge." - Michele
"You can embroider it on a sampler." - Margaret
"And pass it on to my grandchildren. 'A very wise friend of mine told me this'." - Michele
"IT'S GOOD ADVICE!!!" - Margaret
* * *
"So I have to entertain you in some way that doesn't involve my arms ... ?" - Catherine
* * *
"Yeah, we've had the iPod on shuffle during sex, and had it switch from something totally sexy to something totally embarrassing. Like 'The Rainbow Connection'. And being all like, 'GODDAMMIT! And then you try to continue but all you can think of is Kermit the Frog and you're afraid if you let it continue any longer, sex with inevitably become tied up with the Muppets." - Name changed to protect the guilty
* * *
"Because we'll be trying to conceive soon, I'm no longer on birth control, so we're just using condoms and so in order to save ourselves from having to buy it in the store, my husband decided to buy a big box of them online. Apparently, he bought SO MANY that they sent us a free porno." - Name changed
"So the porn is like the free beer you get when you order £20 worth of Chinese food." - Margaret
* * *
"I remember Austin's roommate got addicted to muscle relaxants and failed out after one semester." - Michele
"Was that the guy who threw up in Austin's laundry?" - Margaret
"YES! The same charmer who invited us to a party at which he was serving a drink that was a) made and served in a garbage can, and b) STIRRED WITH HIS BARE ARM." - Michele
* * *
"That would have been the best motto. 'Trinity College: funny if it's happening to someone else'." - Margaret
* * *
"And then this is the night we spent onshore with Dmitri and Christos who were trying to steal each other’s ears." - Margaret
* * *
"Because nothing takes the sting out of pre-adolescent sexual harassment like a group of teachers making fun of your grammar." - Margaret
* * *
"Which revolution?!? I bet some revolutions had carbonated beverages!!!!" - Catherine
* * *
"I’m glad I have a friend with whom I can discuss what exactly French peasants would throw at muggers." - Catherine
* * *
"So this is ..." - Catherine
"Major Tom to Ground Control?" - Moray
* * *
"What did I come here to get ... ?" - Margaret
"Funky?" - Catherine
* * *
"I’ve got student loans; I can't budget for bail." - Margaret
* * *
"THEY'VE GONE OUT OF BUSINESS SINCE WE ORDERED OUR CHINESE FOOD!!!" - Catherine
* * *
"We need some creative lessons to film, like Art. I've seen some teachers walking around with saws ..." - the head
"New behaviour policy." - Malcolm
* * *
"I now have a jacket with a chapstick in each pocket." - Margaret
"Well, a few weeks ago, you had a chapstick in each nostril ..." - Catherine
* * *
"The subjunctive mood is my favourite; it covers a multitude of sins." - Stephen
* * *
"Yeah, but then you'd be on the late train back. With an angry man with a haddock on his head chasing you." - Catherine
* * *
"Pompey the Great and other generals of history who were tragically crippled by being pot plants." - Catherine
* * *
"You should write a book." - Margaret
"Hey kids! Meat makes you smart!" - Catherine
* * *
"Don't look at me with that tone of voice!" - Malcolm
* * *
"Shut up, you German-speaking leiderhosen-wearing Tunisian!" - Catherine
* * *
"So you are the mysterious new leader of Turkmenistan!!" - Catherine
"Now don't go shouting it, or they'll all want one." - Margaret
* * *
"I hunger and thirst for righteousness. Is there a vending machine for righteousness?" - Margaret
* * *
"I don't think Gloucestershire counts as a hobby." - Margaret
* * *
"I can tell you what I won't be doing tonight, baby, and that's reclaiming the domestic production of Cheez Whiz! Hubba hubba!" - Catherine
* * *
"Romance novels have the crappiest cover art. This one is all, ‘mai pekz let me show you them’. And that one you just showed me could be called ‘I can haz yur secks now?" - Michele
"This is brilliant. We could make a website – ‘LOLREADS: I can haz crappi book?'" - Margaret
"You know if someone actually makes that website later we're gonna be mad." - Michele
* * *
"I need room service! Why don't I have room service???" - Margaret
"Because Catherine's at work right now." - Malcolm
* * *
"Occupational hazards include: crushing to death while husband is at work by pile of fallen books, allergies from dust, odd-smelling work vehicle, awakening ancient curses …" - Michele
"I'm not sure insurance covers that." - Margaret
* * *
"Boo is going fucking mental. He's EATING GOBS OF HIS OWN HAIR OFF THE CARPET. But he can't swallow it or even actually get it in his mouth, so he sits there with it dangling off his tongue and whiskers, trying to eat it, his face twitching and his eyes all bugged out. Then he tries to poop in the magazine rack." - Margaret
* * *
"Other evil thoughts that came to mind are to friend him on Facebook and leave threatening messages on his wall, in the vein of, "break my sister's heart, I break your head. Capisch?" or "Mess with my sister, I mess with you. I live in East London; you BETTER be scared." Or "If you break my baby sister's heart, I have a kitchen knife and a shovel, and I guarantee nobody would miss you." Oh, the possibilities are endless." - Margaret, when Marion got a boyfriend.
* * *
"Sometimes it still confuses me when people introduce me as ‘Matt's wife’" - Michele
" 'MATT HAS A WIFE? BASTARD!! Oh wait, that's me'." - Margaret
* * *
"Yes, I am lacking in breasts and smell of onions." - Josh (to Peter)
* * *
"At this age, they're just glorified digestive tracts." - Nora
* * *
"I am such a retirement-party whore." - Josh
* * *
"Bear in mind that I'm holding your kid here ... trying not to drop him in the stir-fry ... " - Marion
"Bear in mind that I'm holding a sharp implement here ... " - Grace
* * *
"The Disney version contains considerably less pedophilia and math." - Josh, on "Alice in Wonderland."
* * *
"You'd be awarded points for style. And proximity to the yak." - Malcolm
* * *
"Basically, I look on any snack food that evolved since my childhood as a Red Godless attempt to deceive the Great American Public." - Catherine
"What’s great is that the Cold War totally ended before you remember." - Margaret
"Or so the Russians would have you believe! They merely moved into snack food!" - Catherine
* * *
"We won't pay you and we’re going to call you Hamish McLovin'. Welcome to Bartholomew Road Productions, where professional courtesy is our motto." - Margaret
* * *
"That’s Margaret’s philosophy of life; if I can endure this, then someone else can endure it on my behalf." - Catherine
* * *
"It’s sad when I look at my Google search history and see ‘wombats flip cars’. ." - Catherine
* * *
"I tried to be normal! I got a cat! Normal people do that, right?” – Margaret
"Margaret. Normal people get normal cats. Not extremely kinky alcoholic suicidal ones. " - Malcolm
* * *
* * *
"That’s how you’ll pay for your theatrical career – whoring yourself out at King’s Cross. I can flyer for you! I’ve got the routine down already. ‘Hello? My girlfriend – four-star review! Half off with flyer’. " - Malcolm
* * *
"These quizzes always have really obvious answers, like, ‘you and your boyfriend have a disagreement. Do you a) slit his throat, b) slit your own throat, or c) talk about it reasonably?’ " - Malcolm, discovering Cosmo
* * *
"Where are the homosexuals? They can’t all be fellating each other! " - Graham
* * *
" I need to get rid of these flyers before I’m allowed to put my clothes back on!" - Alek
* * *
"Is this the man who would take us to Persia? He cannot even keep his head out of the lighting fixtures!" - Margaret and Ben
* * *
"Show me the camels! Show me a million camels!”
"I will show you one camel. One. " - Overheard in “The Horseshoe” pub
* * *
"I don’t even want to begin to calculate the Kinsey score of our ice cream scoop. " - Josh
* * *
" I think gluttony is a lot easier than lust. I mean, unless you lost control and ate so many Oreos that you actually died, it would be a lot easier to recover from than a night where you lost control and, like, had sex with five men. " - Catherine
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