* * *
"Yes, Wal-Mart helps you make healthy choices ... for SATAN." - Margaret
* * *
"Nobody parties like the Mennonites." - Margaret
* * *
"Margaret, no having sex with the major appliances." - Catherine
* * *
"Margaret, the grocery list is not a toy." - Catherine
* * *
“You cannot base your foreign policy on ass.” - Catherine
* * *
“You could get takeaway delivered to the church – then you’d have chicken tikka masala and exorcisms in the same place!” – Margaret
“Kalluri Corner – for when you’re possessed by demons, and don’t want to cook!” – Catherine
* * *
“When your cock is in a man’s mouth, there can be a certain amount of flexibility in your verb forms.” – Catherine
* * *
"You'd smell bad and you'd be constipated! I knew New Jersey sucked!" - Leah, commenting on the potential ramifications of our being without running water for three days.
* * *
“Citizens. For me, it’s all about the cock. Just putting that out there. Merry Christmas. God bless you.” – Catherine, imagining a Christmas proclamation from Queen Victoria
* * *
"I wake up in the night crying ‘WHY???’ And then I wake up the next night and cry ‘EMMM!!’ And then all the Village People come into my room. And we have tea parties.” - Margaret
* * *
“We need to go to the God emporium, to get more God.” - Catherine
* * *
“The Labour government – days of ass and roses.” - Margaret
* * *
“Saint Sebastian – patron saint of blowjobs.” – Margaret
“Wouldn’t it be great if he were? And then you could have a little icon of him over your bed, and your dates would be like, ‘oooh!’ “ - Catherine
* * *
“Let’s gorge ourselves like the bourgeois pigs that we are, and mock the handicapped.” – Catherine
* * *
“I feel sorry for the last two napkins left in Alcatraz.” - Catherine
* * *
“My nostrils are not freakishly large, upside-down-Frenchman-head!!” – Catherine
* * *
“I need friends who aren’t, like, Angels of Death.” - Catherine
* * *
“No matter how much we like the cock, we will never like the cock as much as gay men do – I mean, they’re MEN!!! They love the cock since the moment they discover they HAVE ONE!” – Catherine does Sociology
* * *
“In order to negate any nervousness that you might have about these pictures of you and Dan, may I remind you that I am willingly bringing into your house a picture of my husband fellating an 11-inch dildo.” – Grace
* * *
“Yeah, then there was the bit where he didn’t take a nap at all on Monday. Eight-and-a-half hours of pure unadulterated two-year-old, injected intravenously.” – Margaret
* * *
“Nothing says ‘ghetto-fabulous’ like a gay sugardaddy.” – Grace
* * *
“Well, we all have our ‘mind-reading priest in the belltower’ stories, don’t we?” – Margaret
* * *
Catherine: (channel-surfing) Abmaster … Kofi Annan … Abmaster Kofi Annan!!!
Margaret: Learn to tango with Boutros-Boutros Gali! Buns of steel with Hans Blix!!
* * *
“I’m mixing up my political figures and my low-cost-food producers.” – Catherine
* * *
“Dan does not require trousers.” – Josh
* * *
“You can’t end a debate by BITING people!” – Catherine
* * *
“See? Using Socratic dialogue, we have discovered rational rules for life.” – Catherine
“Such as not masturbating with potato chips?” - Margaret
* * *
“According to the laws of probability, is is very likely that one day I will kill a small, elderly French woman.” – Leah
* * *
“One day we’re going to open the door and there will be Satan with meat in his pants.” – Catherine
* * *
“It’s meat-on-meat cleaning power!” - Stephanie
* * *
“ ‘It was getting all nasty??’ You’re five!! You’re like this big perverted five-year-old!!” – Margaret
“I’m sorry! I wasn’t on the guest list for the gay sex in the Korean hotel room!” – Leah
* * *
"I need someone to make me look more masculine.” – Josh
“Ooh! A challenge!” - Leah
* * *
“No, I think the highlight of your neuroticism in the time I’ve known you has been, ‘do you think raccoons will break into the house and eat the hamster?’” – Catherine
* * *
“Why bother with the sophisticated attention-getting device when the simple one is much easier and works just as well?” – Margaret
“… You BIT me.” – Catherine
* * *
“Every time a seventeen-year-old gay boy gets pierced, an angel gets its wings.” – Margaret
* * *
“What I’m afraid of is that civilisation will die out and then three hundred years later, someone will FIND this quote board and base a RELIGION ON IT. THAT’S what I’m afraid of.” – Catherine
* * *
“We’re the paedophile IRA.” – Catherine
* * *
“Consensual … ooh, there’s a novel idea!!!” – Catherine
* * *
“I’m so good my vibrator pays me.” – Catherine
* * *
“We need to stop talking now, before we end up in Accentville, Herbal Counten, talking to our vibrators who think they’re pumas.” – Margaret
* * *
“You know what I find difficult to believe? That there isn’t an entire subculture of pornography devoted to girls with head colds and PMS. What with the runny eyes and the big Rudolph nose and the dry mouth and the swollen breasts and the irritability and the sneezing and the bloating … it’s like oozing sex.” – Margaret
“Or oozing something.” – Catherine
“You know where the REAL money is? Girls with head colds and PMS … wearing RETAINERS. I’m just a walking machine of sex.” – Margaret, five minutes later (putting her retainer in. Duh.)
* * *
Margaret (having a conversation with her fork): “Why do I get the feeling that I’m in a French surrealist movie?”
The fork: “Because you don’t drink enough.”
* * *
The Margaret and Catherine Flat-Hunting Special:
M: “780 a month, gas inclusive!! I mean, it’s probably three miles from the tube and someone probably got killed there last week …”
C: “And it’s infested with … “
M: “And they still haven’t quite gotten all the bloodstains out of the tub …”
C: “… dwarves …”
* * *
* * *
“I’m Egbreath Egbeater and I’ve come to have sex with your men!” – Margaret and Catherine try to remember the early monarchs of England
* * *
“Yeah? Well, Plato can bring it on!!” – Catherine
* * *
“Did you ever hear of kids running around shooting each other when they had to work twelve hours a day?? They need less free time, not more!! And we might as well make them productive members of society!!” - Leah
* * *
“Now we have a green snot-demon doing yoga in the living room, just because we have problems pronouncing our vowels.” – Margaret
* * *
“I am such a key-change whore.” – Margaret
* * *
Catherine, upon listening to “You Are My Home,” from The Scarlet Pimpernel. “Yeah, this is one brother-sister relationship I’m never going to have. With me, it’s more like, ‘you stole my car … and then had sex in it … and then left the country …’.” (Note: this is funnier if you know the song)
* * *
“I keep forgetting that you can drink it without vodka or champagne.” – Leah, when I suggested drinking orange juice for her head cold.
* * *
“She’s possessed by the spirit of Martha Graham. Or maybe you should just keep the communion wine better guarded.” – Leah, commenting on the liturgical dancers at St. PJ’s.
* * *
“The whole world was behind us after 9/11. It takes a lot of doing to fuck that up.” – Catherine
“And yet – we did! With our plucky American can-do spirit …” - Margaret
* * *
“I’m sure there are KKK nudists out there. There’s gotta be a chat room for that. ‘We’re nude and we hate you’.” – Michele
* * *
“There’s a lot of paperwork involved in being postmodern.” – Margaret
* * *
“I am pink and evil!” – Margaret
* * *
“I’m clever. The kind of clever that gets you smacked.” – Margaret
* * *
“Don’t serve me the brains of your lovers after you’ve had fights with them. It lacks class.” – Catherine
* * *
“For ten easy payments of nine-ninety-five, you too can have stigmata! Not sold in stores!” – Leah
* * *
“I received the stigmata too!”
“No, you got sprayed on the hand by hot oil. Jesus did not die by having quesadillas spit oil at him.”
“THAT WE KNOW OF!! The early church fathers could have covered it up!! Because they didn’t think people walking around with tortillas around their necks would be fashionable!!”
“They would – many of the early church fathers were probably gay.”
“I mean, it would be like, ‘dude, we can’t have a giant tortilla at the front of the church!’.”
“Maybe that’s where communion wafers come from. It’s a relic of bygone days.”
- Catherine and Margaret do religious history
* * *
“I just want to have sex with men and bats – is that so wrong???!!”
“… yes …”
“Why are you so judgmental of my lifestyle??”
“Because you’re fucking BATS!!”
“Fascist!!”
“On the other hand, I’m fucking moose.”
“Moose-fucking fascist!!”
- Catherine and Margaret do zoology
* * *
“Bad chocolate cake is like a cheap fuck. You’re not satisfied and you feel dirty.” – Catherine
* * *
Catherine: “Sometimes I just have the urge to say ‘DOOOOOMMMM!!!!’”
Margaret: “Then I shall put a stocking on your nose and pretend you are an elephant.” (does so)
Catherine: (has hysterics)
Margaret: … “Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediment …”
* * *
“The baby was cranky today. She was riding the cranky train.”
“To Crankyville?”
- Margaret and Catherine
* * *
“The problem with slash is that it’s kind of ruined me for history. I’m reading this biography of Machiavelli, thinking, ‘I bet Machiavelli and Cesare Borgia totally got it on’.” – Catherine
* * *
“Commas and cock is a good basis for a relationship.” – Catherine
* * *
"You don’t need ‘me time’ when you’ve got amphetamines.” – Catherine
* * *
“I’m not clear on much about modern feminism, but I know it has something to do with maternity leave and watching boys make out with each other.” - Catherine
* * *
“I don’t know, I think it might be kind of fetching to write poems on the baby’s forehead. ‘Look, I decorated your children!’.” - Catherine
* * *
“Of course! You can’t have a gay/racist alliance without DUCKIES!!!” – Margaret
* * *
“I know. You’re concerned that if enough disaffected Labour voters switch to the Lib Dems, the Tories could get in. It worries me too.” – Margaret. To the crying baby.
* * *
“I don’t have a problem with ‘brand me, put a dog collar on me, and make me yours,’ but I do have a severe problem with weddings.” – Catherine
* * *
“Just call me Lord Douglas and beat me with sticks.” – Margaret
* * *
“You couldn’t choose a truck full of chickens to tailgate?? It had to be PROPANE???!!!” – Catherine
* * *
“You don’t want to spend your first date explaining that your relationship with your roommate is a platonic visa marriage.” – Catherine
* * *
“We are China ’s bitch, and they’re nuclear.” – Margaret
* * *
"We don’t want to end up on a merry chase across the battlefield after our errant boy porn.” – Margaret
* * *
“I’m not sure there is a logical response to King Tut laying the smackdown on Mighty Mouse.” – Margaret
* * *
“It’s got sadomasochism, boats, and schoolboys. It’s the PERFECT ENGLISH SONG.” – Margaret
* * *
"Wouldn't it be great if there was a superhero who could only travel on public transport? It would be like, 'I'm off to fight crime!! ... As soon as the M4 gets here!!'" - Leah
* * *
“Yeah, penises are funny, no matter what state they’re in.” – Leah Clark
“What, like in Texas?” – Leah Hallow
* * *
“I think the puppy has some sort of Oedipal desire to see me naked.” – Leah
* * *
“I can’t imagine any unattached man who wouldn’t want to salsa dance with you. Provided you comb your hair.” – Grace
* * *
“I’m sick of sending house elves in to shave David Thewlis.” – Margaret
* * *
“A woman who can match her passport to her outfit is just utterly remarkable.” – Elizabeth
* * *
“When you’re planning a religious event, the words ‘fascist fuckheads’ PROBABLY shouldn’t appear.” – Catherine
* * *
"Oh my God, I’m monkey-puppeting out of control!!” – Margaret
* * *
“I’m so nervous about using that hand, because the ring isn’t insured yet. So I look partially paralyzed.” – Michele, on her engagement
* * *
“If you were making a list of Sexy and Not Sexy things, ‘rodents in your lingerie’ would go near the top of the Not Sexy list." – Catherine
* * *
“We’re, like, Cheech and Chong Do Princeton .” – Margaret
* * *
“He's a black belt in Kick Boxing or something but kept getting disqualified because he kept kicking people in the head. He's a big softy, really.” – Xander
* * *
“It’s hard to have sex with disembodied people.” – Margaret
* * *
“We should actually save stuff to talk about when we meet up. Otherwise it will be like "Lordy look at all these freaks....." ” – Xander, discussing our meeting in Garlic and Shots.
* * *
“ Princeton: with the crazy nightlife of Amish country, and the cute cuddly wildlife of the Australian outback.” – Catherine
* * *
* * *
“I’m surrounded by freaky fangirls!!” – Marion. At age 13. Referring to her sisters.
* * *
“I want to kiss whomever designed the lighting for Christian Coulson in this scene.” – Margaret
“I want to kiss Christian Coulson in this scene!! He and the lighting designer and I could have a threesome. A well-lit threesome.” – Catherine
* * *
“I know a guy who go so sick of trying to get his show produced, he just did it himself. I never heard from him again, so he might be dead now.” - Xander
“Poetically hanging himself from the proscenium, a copy of the script in one hand and a bloodstained quill pen in the other?” – Margaret
“Perhaps, or his investors put out a hit on him.” - Xander
* * *
“Here I am trying to walk the uneasy line between Schlock Opera and real musical theatre heart with a source material which has been made camper than a trailer park and then done to death.” – Xander
* * *
"If people are WRONG, they don't get to be judgmental!!" - Margaret
* * *
“You know she’s into S&M, but you don’t know where she went to college.” – Catherine
“I’ve had a lot of relationships like that, actually.” – Margaret
* * *
"Do you hear the people sing in my pants?"
"No, but I have "a summer wind, a cotton dress," in my pants."
"Ah, that's problematic, since I vow to thee my country in my pants."
"John Barleycorn must die in my pants."
"Yes, so I heard. Haste to the wedding in my pants." - Margaret and Stephanie
* * *
“I’m amazed anyone makes it through their first year alive. Did you notice that the time we started to do away with infectious diseases was about the time we came up with cars???!! And God’s sitting there like, ‘oh my god, you people!!! I give you Alexander Fleming, I give you Jonas Salk, and what do you come up with???!! THE JERSEY TURNPIKE!! DING DING DING, point for the humans!!!” – Margaret
* * *
“Should we put, ‘I’m into twincest basilisk rape’ on the quote board?” – Catherine
“If you want the FBI to show up.” – Margaret
“Actually, I’m not really into raping basilisks.” – Catherine
“… because THAT would be WRONG.” – Nichole
* * *
“They’re carrying fish forks! They’re crying ‘the monster must be destroyed’!” – Catherine
* * *
“Just because I dress like a ho doesn’t mean I don’t have values.” – Leah
* * *
“Alexander the Great was kind of a crazy son-of-a-bitch.” – Catherine
* * *
“I’m angry and depressed and panicky. But it’s okay, because Jesus loves me.” – Margaret
* * *
“We’re using our own deaths as a plot point in the slash story of our boyfriends!!” – Catherine
* * *
“In the grand scheme of the universe, I have a profound existential need for slippers with pictures of cows on them.” – Grace
* * *
“George Bush might run into other problems trying to impersonate Barack Obama’s mom.” – Nobody can remember whether this was Grace or Catherine
* * *
“That’s all you need to make a movie – German zombies meet Scottish ninjas.” – Margaret
* * *
"I looked over and thought, ‘oh, that guy has a baby strapped to his chest,’ and then I realised it was the bald head of the guy in front of him.” – Catherine
* * *
“Why did you make me gay zucchini sauce?” – Catherine
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