(on hearing that hamsters, when put in plastic balls, chase cats)
"That's got to be some kind of nightmare for the cat. I mean, you spend your life chasing rodents, and then one comes after you with the equivalent of a rodent tank." - Catherine
* * *
“I’m just so glad you weren’t born a nineteenth-century man.”
“Because I’d be dead?”
“Or riding around the desert, screaming, with, like, human heads hanging from your saddle.” - Margaret and Catherine
* * *
“Oh my God! Bald men in tutus!!” – Margaret
* * *
“Paxman was having a fit and flapping his arms like a chicken, which was not his proudest moment as a journalist.” – Catherine
* * *
"I went from an upper middle-class childhood to moonshine-swiggin' trailer folk." - Michele
* * *
"Adam, you can't be the sheep Lord every time!" - Josh
* * *
"Well, I'm astonished! Hornswoggled! Blandishmongered!" - Adam
* * *
“If I could teleport myself, I wouldn’t be trying to catch a plane.” – Margaret
* * *
“She’s 84 and deaf, with a walker, but the last time someone said ‘fuck’ in her presence, she chased them down to the Catholic Church with a broom.” – Lyah
* * *
“My grandmother and Catherine’s grandmother should get together.” – Lyah
* * *
“Bail – the gift that keeps on giving.” - Margaret
* * *
“They paid her 8 dollars Canadian, which means you owe them two bucks and they kick you in the ass.” – Catherine
* * *
“I’m not going to tattoo the Sistine Chapel all over my body so that I get to go to Finland.” – Catherine
* * *
"The first baseman lodged a protest. He said, 'I've got nothing to do but sit around contemplating the tightness of my pants'." - Grace, commenting on a defensive substitution at a New Haven Cutters game.
* * *
"Some of the things I'm doing these days are borderline illegal, but it's for research purposes." - Margaret
* * *
"Why does the mascot look like a cross between a bumblebee and a pig?"
"Because they got it secondhand?" - Grace and Josh, admiring the fine points of Independent League baseball.
* * *
“I have found my true calling, which is the building of hamster habitats out of empty kleenex boxes and toilet paper tubes.” – Mommy
* * *
“It’s called either ‘The Fisherman’ or ‘Lament for the Fisherman’s Wife’.”
“Let me guess – it’s about this fisherman dude, who goes off and gets himself killed, and his young wife …”
“You know a thing or two about folk music, don’t you?” – Margaret and Marion
* * *
“I don’t remember what a baby turkey is called. So basically, my entire education has been in vain.” – Catherine
* * *
“Ah, we have cranberry juice! You can solve all problems with cranberry juice!”
“Well, urinary tract infections, but probably not world poverty.”
“No one’s ever tried!!!!” – Catherine and Margaret
* * *
“Pitchforks tend to limit the level of reasoned intellectual debate.” - Margaret
* * *
“Don’t hate me for this … but there were times when I was looking at you and wondering what I could sell you for.” – Lyah, discussing our Europe trip
* * *
“Or rent you. Because I’d eventually want you back. Because you had all the tickets.” – Lyah
* * *
“The Khmer Rouge? Sounds like something you’d see in Paris! But no. Evil death people. Not so much fun.” – Lyah
* * *
“Ooh! Funny quotes from the hospital today!” – Catherine
* * *
"Margaret, when you are housesitting, bad things to say to the owner include, 'I cut a lot of holes in it and let the hamster poop in it'." - Catherine
* * *
“When he goes to the play, you know he’s getting some.”
“Hey, some people bring roses – some people bring … ass. Actually, I prefer ass.” – Catherine and Lyah read "Revolution."
* * *
“Yeah, my boyfriend’s going to be sitting in the corner saying, ‘I’m writing a song about the traumatising experience I just had with two women, a theology textbook, and a Molotov cocktail.” - Lyah
* * *
“She’d be a horrible prostitute, because she’s such a slut! ‘Yeah, I want to be a prostitute, so I’m going to have sex with everybody for free.’ Way to go. You’re Employee of the Month, yet again.” – Lyah
* * *
"So we had this patient, and he was in solitary, and he decided to stage a dirty protest. And write a poem with it.”
“Did it rhyme?” – Lyah and Margaret
* * *
“You didn’t know that sticking a feather up your nose would tickle?”
“I believe in the scientific method!! I want to see for myself!” – Catherine and Margaret
* * *
“You’re such a man! ‘No, don’t worry Margaret, I know just where we are!’ I thought the Other Side Of The State thing was an aberration, but noooo …” – Margaret, the second time she and Catherine got lost in the back roads of New Jersey
* * *
"Josh could be a femme lesbian trapped in a man’s body.” - Grace
“Yeah, why do I get the sense that in any lesbian relationship, you’d be the butch?” - Margaret
“Talk to me when you stop liking the Red Sox, and being aggressive and opinionated and getting off on watching two naked men –“ - Grace
“And the naked men fit into the lesbian thing how?” - Margaret
“You could be a gay man trapped in a butch lesbian’s body …” - Grace
“I wear lipstick.” - Margaret
* * *
Daddy (reading from the Bible): And John said, ‘you brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? And do not say, ‘we have Abraham for our father,’ for God is able to raise up sons of Abraham out of these very stones …
Margaret: And the people said, ‘John, you are so, like, not being supportive of my spiritual journey …’
* * *
“One’s facial hair should not make one’s chin resemble genitalia.” - Margaret
* * *
“Acla … alcho … aklo … why can’t I say ‘alcoholic’???” – Catherine
No comments:
Post a Comment