****
“This is SPARTAAAA!” – Catherine
“… no it’s not, it’s Leyton.” – Margaret
“This is LEYTOOOOOOON!!!!!” – Catherine
“Seriously, though, sack the place. It would look exactly the same. I look at pictures of BAGHDAD, and I think, ‘hey, that looks like Leyton!’” – Margaret
“Hmm.” – Catherine
“Specifically, Baker’s Arms.” – Margaret
***
“I was anointing your feet like Mary Magdalene did to Jesus.” – Margaret
“No you fucking weren’t! You just spilled raita all over my feet! Mary Magdalene didn’t go, ‘Whoops! Oh crap! I just spilled shit all over your feet!’” – Malcolm
“We don’t know that. The Gospel record is incomplete.” – Margaret
“Oh, it’s just like the Last Supper. Maybe the whole thing was over a pizza.” – Malcolm
“So the whole thing was just a tragic misunderstanding over a takeaway. Jesus just didn’t like pizza crusts! He was passing them around – ‘hey, does anyone want my crusts?’” – Margaret
“ ‘REMEMBER! I don’t LIKE CRUSTS. Whenever you order pizza, REMEMBER ME. REMEMBER I DON’T LIKE CRUSTS.” – Malcolm
“Now if there had been a stuffed crust option available …” – Margaret
“Pizza Hut was tragically too late.” – Malcolm
“The WHOLE HISTORY of Western Civilisation would have been different if there had been STUFFED CRUST PIZZA at the Last Supper.” – Margaret
***
“Yeah, that spider [in Australia] was literally as big as my hand. So I screamed and somersaulted back into the house and everyone else came downstairs, and they were all either from England or Canada, so THEY screamed and ran away.” – Malcolm
“What did you do?” – Catherine
“We just closed the door and locked it.” – Malcolm
“I love that you LOCKED it.” – Catherine
***
“I TOLD you just to dispose of the body quietly, but noooooo, you HAD to take a trophy …” – Liz
***
“I pity the fool who don’t want my homemade fudge!!” – Catherine
***
“I’m going to be the whitest woman who ever had children with Mr. T.” – Catherine
***
“I was outside with the Year Ones looking for signs of spring, and a fucking fly flew into my mouth.”
“That is a sign of spring.”
“Yeah, I got the irony at the time, thank you.” - Margaret and Catherine
***
“Josh: "Money is good, Derryfield [school] is easy, and they have coffeemakers."
Grace: "Quote Board!"
Peter (age 3): "Qo' Boar'!"”
***
Damn straight. (pause) Or maybe I'm God. (pause) Does God make brownies? –Josh
***
Margaret: Seeeee the USA, in your Chevrolet, America wants you to -
Malcolm: Margaret, you cannot subject me to this any longer.
Margaret: Let me call you sweetheart, I’m in love with you -
Malcolm: I have something to tell you. The wedding registry - I signed it with my right hand instead of my left. We're not really married -
Margaret: WHERE OH WHERE HAS MY LITTLE DOG GONE, OH WHERE OH WHERE CAN HE BE -
Malcolm: It was a forgery! A trick! I don't have to stay here!
Margaret: HEEEEEE'S HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE -
Malcolm: I'M LEAVING!
Margaret: WHERE THEY CHOP DOWN THE OLD OAK TREE!
