On how "talking about roads" is a national pastime in England: "They're
going to make it an Olympic sport. They'll have
judges, who will say 'I liked the way you used the ring roads around
Birmingham, but the route through Chippenham left a little to be
desired, so it's a 6.7'." - Malcolm
"I propose we celebrate peace with cake and make the Germans foot the bill. That's never ended badly." - Cousin Abby
“Ninjas! Embrace
your herpes!” – Liz
"Not every sexual act has to involve a bassoon! THE BASSOON IS FOR HITLER!" - Catherine
"And then your twenty-year-old self and frosted-perm Hitler would come for you. With a bassoon. And they'd be PISSED." - Pam
"And then your twenty-year-old self and frosted-perm Hitler would come for you. With a bassoon. And they'd be PISSED." - Pam
"Your guilt is about spoiling their fun, not your attempt to be an illicit lizard pornographer?" - Pam
And a few Facebook conversations, saved for posterity:
Pam:
7 hours of training, 24 attendees,
garden trashed by 2 cows, 2 office staff involved in motorbike crash, 3
bandaged limbs, 1 still in hospital (but not serious), 1 website
launched. Pretty uneventful day really - so far.
Catherine: Now, if the garden had been trashed by 24 cows on motorbikes, that would be a different story.
Pam: Those bovine bike gangs are vicious.
Margaret: If the garden had been trashed by 24 cows on motorbikes, that would have been AWESOME. But Cat has an irrational and morbid fear of cows, so we can't take her opinions on this too seriously.
Catherine: IT IS NOT IRRATIONAL YOU WOULD HAVE A MORBID FEAR OF COWS TOO IF THEY KEPT TRYING TO KILL YOU.
Pam: So you address this by... eating them? Nothing shows them who's boss like a side of mash and some tarragon sauce.
Liz:They're not trying to kill you, they're trying to send you a message. The bovine underground network needs your help. Way less creepy.
Pam: You're the Chosen One, destined to lead the cows out of their delicious meaty slavery and into their true place as our almighty overlords... that's even more creepy.
Liz: I, for one, welcome our new bovine overlords.
Pam: I'd be fine with it too, so long as there could be some sort of Logan's Run carousel deal where they'd willingly die while still tender. They could call it Soylent Red.
Alec (friend of Pam's): Cows on motorbikes? I can handle that, but we're all fucked once the sharks grow legs!
Catherine: Now, if the garden had been trashed by 24 cows on motorbikes, that would be a different story.
Pam: Those bovine bike gangs are vicious.
Margaret: If the garden had been trashed by 24 cows on motorbikes, that would have been AWESOME. But Cat has an irrational and morbid fear of cows, so we can't take her opinions on this too seriously.
Catherine: IT IS NOT IRRATIONAL YOU WOULD HAVE A MORBID FEAR OF COWS TOO IF THEY KEPT TRYING TO KILL YOU.
Pam: So you address this by... eating them? Nothing shows them who's boss like a side of mash and some tarragon sauce.
Liz:They're not trying to kill you, they're trying to send you a message. The bovine underground network needs your help. Way less creepy.
Pam: You're the Chosen One, destined to lead the cows out of their delicious meaty slavery and into their true place as our almighty overlords... that's even more creepy.
Liz: I, for one, welcome our new bovine overlords.
Pam: I'd be fine with it too, so long as there could be some sort of Logan's Run carousel deal where they'd willingly die while still tender. They could call it Soylent Red.
Alec (friend of Pam's): Cows on motorbikes? I can handle that, but we're all fucked once the sharks grow legs!
Moray: Weather
forecasts...what is the f~€%ing point?
Margaret: Jobs for poor unemployed TV presenters. It's a charity project in these tough times.
Liz: They're just trying to keep the mystery alive! Why do you hate the mystery? Are you dead inside?
Margaret: Moray not only hates mystery, but PUPPIES, FREEDOM and AMERICA. At least, that's what I took away from this status.
Liz: Tut tut. This is why the world is in the state it's in. Because of Moray.
Catherine: Yeah, only soulless puppy-haters use BOTH a euro sign AND a tilde in their statuses. Shun the unbeliever in weather forecasts!
Catherine: (Don't you love how, within two hours of you griping about weather forecasts, three of your friends have turned out to condemn you as a hater who's dead inside? That's what we're here for! :))
Moray: Awwww...it's 'cos you know me so well. As I looked out at the glorious sunshine and cursed, it was nice to know that, despite my ugly, withered soul, you guys are there for me. It would have warmed my heart if I had one.
Margaret: I'm glad we warm your empty, hollow chest cavity. Now go find some three-legged puppies to kick and cheer yourself up.
Margaret: Jobs for poor unemployed TV presenters. It's a charity project in these tough times.
Liz: They're just trying to keep the mystery alive! Why do you hate the mystery? Are you dead inside?
Margaret: Moray not only hates mystery, but PUPPIES, FREEDOM and AMERICA. At least, that's what I took away from this status.
Liz: Tut tut. This is why the world is in the state it's in. Because of Moray.
Catherine: Yeah, only soulless puppy-haters use BOTH a euro sign AND a tilde in their statuses. Shun the unbeliever in weather forecasts!
Catherine: (Don't you love how, within two hours of you griping about weather forecasts, three of your friends have turned out to condemn you as a hater who's dead inside? That's what we're here for! :))
Moray: Awwww...it's 'cos you know me so well. As I looked out at the glorious sunshine and cursed, it was nice to know that, despite my ugly, withered soul, you guys are there for me. It would have warmed my heart if I had one.
Margaret: I'm glad we warm your empty, hollow chest cavity. Now go find some three-legged puppies to kick and cheer yourself up.
