* * *
"There's so much action going on in your room, it's a pity none of it involves you." - Margaret
"I don't know, I might try to get in on Leon Trotsky and the chipmunk." - Catherine
* * *
"Did that guy say he was a crime-fighting transvestite?" - Catherine, getting off the Tube after closing night of Paradise Lost.
"No. Only that he wanted to be." - Margaret
* * *
"DRINK YO' AIR!!" - Matthew, when David had run out of martini during a game of Double.
* * *
"At least, when you join a cult, they tell you when the next cult meeting is. They don’t just get some lower-ranking druid to be like, ‘dude, this is when we’re having the next sacrifice’.”" - Catherine
* * *
"“I'm watching a documentary on the Ku Klux Klan and it's a lot of screaming ‘white power’ and other charming statements and with the walls being what they are, I'm worried my neighbours will think I'm this huge racist. Good thing I'm moving, no?” " - Leah.
* * *
"The deaf must just think totally differently. Like the Japanese." - Moray
* * *
"I have to spit when I think of filthy Krauts!" - Catherine
* * *
"Oh, for a minute there I misinterpreted that headline there. ‘Essex Road Post Office Axe Fear’" - Catherine
"DON'T GO TO THAT POST OFFICE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!" - Margaret
* * *
"At least we'll die giving fashion advice to Welsh rural folk." - Catherine
* * *
"I covered my dog in Epsom salts." - Random stranger in the "Hen and Chickens," Abergavenny
* * *
"You need to go to the palace to get some sheep." - Another random stranger in the "Hen and Chickens," Abergavenny
* * *
"I think General Flavius IS My Friend Pain." - Margaret
* * *
"After we're done with the food, we may hunger and thirst for righteousness a bit more." - Margaret
* * *
"Can I just say I love Hotmail? Where else can I get offers for a colonic and Christian debt loans?" - Leah
* * *
"They take the public's money and they give it straight to Satan. They have Satan's bank account number and make regular deposits into the Bank Of Satan." - Margaret
"Well, the woman who interviewed me was a bitch and her hair colour was definitely the devil’s work." - Xander
* * *
"Cat never drives because she's a sissy. I just make her carry stuff to make up for it." - Margaret
"Good for you. Keep 'em barefoot and burdened." - Mommy
* * *
"Why do these discussions [on character development] always seem to end with you calling someone 'bitch'?"" - David Gardner
* * *
"The more Napoleonic you two look, the less I have to act." - Margaret
* * *
"Instructions for brushing your teeth should not include the phrase, 'remove cat and spit'." - Catherine
* * *
"Grammar - she is a hard mistress." - Leah
* * *
"The relationship would be over before it started. It would be based on lies and bad geography" - Leah
* * *
"You gave your cat chlamydia??" - Leah
* * *
"If it weren't for the whole Jesus thing, I would so be Catholic." - Leah
* * *
"I lost my bronze earrings in a gay bar in Gazi / The boys they were ugly, and the drinks they were lousy." - Leah comes up with the first lyric set for our alternative Country-Western band.
* * *
"That would be really inconvenient if you were a terrorist and had been planning to detonate the bomb using a mobile phone." - David Gardner, referring to 'please turn off your mobile phone' announcements in public places.
"Yeah, but I'm not sure someone who's planning on committing an act of terrorism is concerned enough about politeness to turn off their mobile phone when asked. I mean, it's not as though they stand at the entrance of the train and say, 'hello, my name is Muhammed, I'll be your bomber today'." - Margaret
"I could handle that. I'd be like, 'Hey there, Muhammed - could I have the non-smoking section, please?'" - Leah
* * *
"I'm not usually mugged by shells, but I'm, you know, flexible." - Catherine
* * *
"You're a self-loathing shoe wearer!!" - Margaret
* * *
"Nothing says 'home' like a disembowelled prostitute." - Leah
"And monks." - Margaret
* * *
"We're, like, the OED's fricking wet dream" - Margaret
* * *
"It's like Godzilla with an English Lit PhD." - Leah, about the cat
* * *
"I'm gay-boy catnip." - Leah
* * *
"You were born too female, you were born too late, and I'm just an idiot." - Catherine analyses everyone's life problems.
* * *
"I suppose that's ONE way to weed out all the necrophiliacs." - Margaret
* * *
"I want my love life to include the minimum amount of dressing up like a chipmunk." - Margaret
* * *
* * *
"You can't be a massive fannish horde ALL BY YOURSELF." - Margaret
* * *
"Ah - I love you." - Catherine
"I just threatened to EAT YOUR BRAIN." - Margaret
* * *
"It'd be like, 'dude, I just had a drunken one-night stand, WITH GOD.'" - Margaret
* * *
"Oh my God, I thought my cat had flushed himself." - Margaret
* * *
"Did you lick the carrots with a degree's separation from your butt?" - Catherine (to the cat)
* * *
"A boyfriend is like a booty call you don't have to feel bad about." - Margaret
* * *
"You have enough to worry about at work without your boss decomposing." - Margaret
* * *
"I think the cheese rolling down my ear would probably be a good warning system." - Grace
* * *
"That's a ... novel approach to parenting ..." - Margaret
"Yeah - go off and have unprotected sex right now, or I'll burn your studying." - Catherine
* * *
"It's cute little Lord Blakeney, suddenly torturing people and sleeping with prostitutes." - Catherine
* * *
"I see dangers everywhere!" - Margaret
"But do you see dead people?" - Catherine
"Not usually. Unlesss I'm, like, at a funeral.." - Margaret
"Yeah, I don't think that refers to ACTUAL DEAD PEOPLE. 'I see dead people!' 'You're an undertaker - pull yourself together!'" - Catherine
* * *
"You're a big ole' expatriating Eurotrash slut." - Maureen
* * *
"I have interrupting dinner jet lag." - Maureen
* * *
"Have YOU ever had the experience of my boyfriend singing 'Sweet Transvestite' while humping your leg??" - Maureen
* * *
"I'm taking the dog to a mental retardation fundraising walk tomorrow, and Matt's teaching him to lie down whenever anyone says 'DOWN's Syndrome'." - Michele
* * *
"Me Big Sprog, King of the Uterus!!" - Margaret
* * *
"My family scares me, and I'm a three-month-old foetus." - Grace
* * *
"We have lazy domestic dwarfs who sit around on their asses and drink our beer and never do the dishes." - Grace
* * *
"We have two officers and one soldier, and one of the officers is a pigeon." - Margaret
* * *
"I'm taking orders from a dopey-looking pigeon. At least tell me I outrank Moray." - Catherine
* * *
"My ordination process was a lot like my dating life - it only worked out after we'd plied each other with alcohol." - Father Jim
* * *
"I'm not going to sit here and eat lunch staring at the predator urine." - Margaret
* * *
"If a little bit of whiskey in early childhood ends up making you a psychotic surfer philosopher vegan, that's one of the weirdest side effects I've ever heard of." - Catherine
* * *
"I have better things to do on a Friday night than fight about semantics. Oh wait, no I don't." - Margaret
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