2011, Part V.

I'm sure there were some from the trip to America, but I didn't write any of them down. So if anyone recalls anything funny that was said, let me know! In the meantime, here are some from before we left:

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“I loved Brownies – at least, until the cops showed up.” – Malcolm

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“You don’t get badges for being a Scout leader. Except for ‘yay – Head Paedophile!’” – Malcolm

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“We’re perfectly sane! We have a flowchart!” – Cat

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“You can move faster without pants.” – Moray

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“WHERE ARE YOUR ARMOURED PANTS NOW??” – Liz

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“We have to demystify knifeplay for the child.” – Margaret

“Yeah – send him to Auntie Liz. I’ll teach him all about playing with knives.” – Liz

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“Kentucky – it’s all guns and paedophilia.” – Margaret

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“Kentucky snuff porn – that’s how our dinner parties end up!” – Cat

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“I was about to say ‘I’m off to go Holborning’ but then I realised that makes a really bad verb.” – Meg

“Hey, burn a ho for me while you’re there!” – Margaret

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“Right, I’m going to go get a bottle of wine and a screwdriver. Because I’ve got MY night planned!” – Malcolm

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WARNING: TMI COMING UP!!! LOOK AWAY NOW UNLESS YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT. AND DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED.

(this was in response to a dream I'd had in which someone was posting everyone's penis size on Facebook.)

“So it wouldn’t bother you AT ALL if I put ‘my husband’s penis is so big it’s like a TANK’ on Facebook RIGHT NOW?” – Margaret

“I think it would bother you more than it would bother me, so yeah, I’m prepared to call your bluff.” – Malcolm

“If I wrote, ‘It’s so big it’s like A JET ENGINE THAT CAN CHOP UP GEESE?’ You’d be okay with that?” – Margaret

“The purpose of a penis is not to chop up geese.” – Malcolm

“IT’S A SIMILE!!!” – Margaret

2011, Part IV.

"I literally walked into the bar five minutes ago." - Malcolm
"As opposed to metaphorically walking into the bar?" - Margaret
"Oh yeah, metaphorically I walked into the bar an hour and a half ago! Metaphorically, I'm pissed already!" - Malcolm

* * *

"This is what I get for missing out on fellating the pepper shaker earlier." - Grace

* * *

"... says the man with the socks on his ears, who just dry-humped the chair ..." - Grace

* * *

"Coconuts are the most prudish of the fruits, I think."

"I think they have a bad effect on you afterwards. So really, you shouldn't sleep with a coconut."

- Catherine and Liz

* * *

"Well, anything goes when you're gay and at a minor-league baseball game." - Margaret

* * *

"You're just a sad pathetic person with a nice cardigan." - Margaret

* * *

"What, you feel like you have to put on your hat to say 'bupkis'?" - Grace

* * *

"Do you think they kidnapped a child to get laminate flooring for free, or are they just biding their time until the ransom comes in?" - Catherine

* * *
“I was an ICT Coordinator. I know that turning it off and on again solves 90% of problems.” – Malcolm

“Yeah, well, when I was working on an Intensive Care Unit, it didn’t work so well with the life support machines …” – Catherine

“It was the alarm that kept throwing you off. You HAVE to remember to turn the ALARM off.” – Liz

* * *

“Who knew that there were SO many stories about living in a bathroom?” – Liz

* * *

“That’s how we grow in Africa! We start with the head and just grow out!” – Liz

“Yeah, we always think the shrunken heads are the END of the process …” – Catherine

* * *

“Would you be interested in cutting the cord? Because they let dads do that if they want to.” – Margaret

“Would I be allowed to use a samurai sword? If so, definitely. Either that or a chainsaw.” – Malcolm

* * *

“Well, I have an ‘incendiary device hidden inside a vegetable’ story too!” – Liz

* * *

“So a marrow is a cross between a shotgun and a baby …” – Malcolm

* * *
"Wait, they don't die?"
"No, they don't die."
"FAIL." - Mommy and Marion on "Web Site Story"

* * *

I've found a few old quotes that never made it in:

* * *

"How do you know I couldn't love you?! Take that knife out of your stomach and you'd actually be pretty hot!" - Margaret

* * *

"I was hoping you were paying so much attention to the sympathetic shoulder-rubbing that you didn't notice the face-stabbing." - Catherine

* * *

"It's the outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace." - Margaret
"What is, Leyton?" - Catherine

* * *

Margaret: Max, you have to show leadership by example.

Max: I am NOT going to show leadership by bringing three interns into a porn photoshoot!

* * *

"I need to go down to the supermarket and hunter-gather some meat." - Kevin Josling (in, like, 2006)

2011, Part III.

A bunch of new quotes - we've been prolific! Also, a few that I rediscovered going through old emails.

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“This is SPARTAAAA!” – Catherine

“… no it’s not, it’s Leyton.” – Margaret

“This is LEYTOOOOOOON!!!!!” – Catherine

“Seriously, though, sack the place. It would look exactly the same. I look at pictures of BAGHDAD, and I think, ‘hey, that looks like Leyton!’” – Margaret

“Hmm.” – Catherine

“Specifically, Baker’s Arms.” – Margaret

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“I was anointing your feet like Mary Magdalene did to Jesus.” – Margaret

“No you fucking weren’t! You just spilled raita all over my feet! Mary Magdalene didn’t go, ‘Whoops! Oh crap! I just spilled shit all over your feet!’” – Malcolm

“We don’t know that. The Gospel record is incomplete.” – Margaret

“Oh, it’s just like the Last Supper. Maybe the whole thing was over a pizza.” – Malcolm

“So the whole thing was just a tragic misunderstanding over a takeaway. Jesus just didn’t like pizza crusts! He was passing them around – ‘hey, does anyone want my crusts?’” – Margaret

“ ‘REMEMBER! I don’t LIKE CRUSTS. Whenever you order pizza, REMEMBER ME. REMEMBER I DON’T LIKE CRUSTS.” – Malcolm

“Now if there had been a stuffed crust option available …” – Margaret

“Pizza Hut was tragically too late.” – Malcolm

“The WHOLE HISTORY of Western Civilisation would have been different if there had been STUFFED CRUST PIZZA at the Last Supper.” – Margaret

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“Yeah, that spider [in Australia] was literally as big as my hand. So I screamed and somersaulted back into the house and everyone else came downstairs, and they were all either from England or Canada, so THEY screamed and ran away.” – Malcolm

“What did you do?” – Catherine

“We just closed the door and locked it.” – Malcolm

“I love that you LOCKED it.” – Catherine

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“I TOLD you just to dispose of the body quietly, but noooooo, you HAD to take a trophy …” – Liz

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“I pity the fool who don’t want my homemade fudge!!” – Catherine

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“I’m going to be the whitest woman who ever had children with Mr. T.” – Catherine

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“I was outside with the Year Ones looking for signs of spring, and a fucking fly flew into my mouth.”

“That is a sign of spring.”

“Yeah, I got the irony at the time, thank you.” - Margaret and Catherine

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“Josh: "Money is good, Derryfield [school] is easy, and they have coffeemakers."
Grace: "Quote Board!"
Peter (age 3): "Qo' Boar'!"”

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Damn straight. (pause) Or maybe I'm God. (pause) Does God make brownies? –Josh

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Margaret: Seeeee the USA, in your Chevrolet, America wants you to -
Malcolm: Margaret, you cannot subject me to this any longer.
Margaret: Let me call you sweetheart, I’m in love with you -
Malcolm: I have something to tell you. The wedding registry - I signed it with my right hand instead of my left. We're not really married -
Margaret: WHERE OH WHERE HAS MY LITTLE DOG GONE, OH WHERE OH WHERE CAN HE BE -
Malcolm: It was a forgery! A trick! I don't have to stay here!
Margaret: HEEEEEE'S HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE -
Malcolm: I'M LEAVING!
Margaret: WHERE THEY CHOP DOWN THE OLD OAK TREE!

2011, Part II.

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“Nouns are for sissies!” – Margaret

“That’s what I’ve always said! Nouns are for … um … those things!” – Catherine

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“I have no idea what any of this means. I think these people are high.” – Margaret, reading submission guidelines for a literary journal

“I definitely think they’re high. And they have a thesaurus.” – Catherine

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“It’s LEYTON! You could find crack MUCH more easily than you could find paté!” – Margaret

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“I intend to resist the temptation to make edible animals. Life is short.” – Mommy

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“A RACIST Bank Holiday?” – Catherine

“No! Races – COMMA – Bank Holidays –“ – Margaret

“Oh, okay. So what would a Racist Bank Holiday look like? ‘The shops are closed and we hate you’?” – Catherine

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“I’m just worried that our child will get your physical risk-taking and my lack of coordination. He’ll be lighting himself on fire while tripping over his own feet.” – Margaret

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“If I had a velociraptor, I would so watch ‘Downton Abbey’ with him.” – Catherine

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“I think I’ll make this for the party.” (shows online recipe)

“A website?”

- Catherine and Malcolm

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“Grammar. It’s a matter of life and death.” – Catherine

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“I hate you, small, blind, psychic Margaret!” - Catherine

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“Yes, but decant it into the crystal decanter, not the glass one! WE ARE NOT BARBARIANS!!!” – Margaret

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“Yes, but how do we get the llamas into pants?” – Catherine

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“I think we should have some French toast.” – Catherine

“Yes. And then we’ll sedate us some llamas.” – Margaret

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“It’s a vicious cycle of unemployment and perfectionism.” – Liz

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]# - Celia’s first attempt at the written word

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“You do know it [the fencing foil] isn’t pointy, right?”

“YET. I’m South African. I can make shivs out of things you don’t even want to know about.”

- Catherine and Liz

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Catherine found some old quotes in a file somewhere, which never made it onto the board. Some of these are as old as 2006, while some are quite recent:

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“After me, no man was good enough for her – not even God.”

- Nicholas, on his ex-girlfriend, who then became a nun before leaving holy orders and coming out as a lesbian

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“I would get knocked up just for the dental care.” – Liz

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“There are no adverse weather conditions in my vagina!” – Margaret

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“There’s nothing wrong with puppet sex from a philosophical perspective.” – Erin

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“All the boys just want you for your PhD, Erin.” - Margaret

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“We would have noticed a velociraptor picking the lock. I think.” - Margaret

2010, part III. and 2011, part I.

* * *

"If Jesus had used a proper rota, he would never have been crucified!!" - Margaret

* * *

"If you have weasels every day, what do you do for Christmas?? That's what I've always said!" - Margaret

* * *

“Sorry … you just pointed to a massive pile of crap … within ANOTHER massive pile of crap … to inform me which JENGA PIECE in that pile-of-crap-within-a-pile-of-crap … was my delicious chocolatey treat?!” – Margaret
“I thought you might need some guidance … ?” – Catherine

* * *

“I just didn’t know that ground-up jihadis prevented dandruff.” – Catherine
“It’s a newly discovered phenomenon.” – Malcolm

* * *

“Supporting the weight of your own head is for LOSERS.” – Catherine

* * *

“It says wind speed is 8… um, kts?”
“Knots?”
“… Maybe.”
“Catherine Martin, meteorologist!”
“Hey! There were letters missing!”
“And as we all know, you CAN’T read something when some of the letters AREN’T there.”
“… I hate you.”
“LOL.”
- Catherine and Margaret

* * *

“Great. You’ve been back two hours and already we’re arguing over who got the stuffed owl drunk for the first time.” – Catherine

* * *

“I need crack!” – Peter, 2 years and ten months

* * *

“Claire was FLIRTING with me.” – Peter, 2 years and ten months

* * *

“For a three-foot-tall stuffed snowman, it’s actually rather tasteful.” – Grace

* * *

“Feudal Japanese society was obviously a bit more duty-bound than Victorian society – if you threw a bad dinner party, your social superiors couldn’t order you to commit ritual suicide.” – Catherine
“Yeah.” – Margaret
“Actually, that would be kind of awesome. ‘The soup was lukewarm! You must commit seppuku!’” – Catherine
“ ‘No, no, that’s the fish knife, you wanton!! Use the meat knife!’” – Margaret

* * *

"I went into Tesco to get a sandwich, and came out with two bottles of champagne and lottery tickets." - Malcolm
"I think I just fell in love with you all over again." - Margaret