* * *
NOTE: My computer crashed in March of 2006, and we lost about three months' worth of quotes.
* * *
“Rupert Brooke was really unfairly beautiful.” – Margaret
“Yeah. But then he died. So I suppose he got his.” – Catherine
* * *
“I need to be tested for a recessive shoe gene.” – Margaret
* * *
“He’s probably busy developing empathy or some other shit that kids do.” – Catherine, upon a child in Hyde Park who did not seem interested in his football.
* * *
“FEEL THE WRATH OF MY MINTY FRESH BREATH!!!” – Margaret
* * *
“You can’t treat romance in the same way you treat, like, graduate programmes.” – Catherine’s daily dose of wisdom
* * *
“The money would go to my brother, and he wouldn’t even buy booze with it; he’d just buy Ecstasy and vegan ice cream.” – Catherine
* * *
“I wonder how many uprisings and revolutions in Europe I can connect my relatives to? We've already got the '48 and the WWII Resistance ...” - Grace
“Well, that really depends on how Catherine's career develops, doesn't it?” – Josh
* * *
“I think Margaret’s ideal scenario would be ‘Scottish politicians having sex’.” – Josh
* * *
“That would have been really funny, in an ‘about-to-die’ kind of way.” – Catherine
* * *
“Mmmmm … why does your bed smell of cheese?” – Grace
* * *
“Folding laundry is my idea of foreplay.” – Grace
* * *
“I can’t even get the Linzor-things home without one trying to obtain carnal knowledge of the Jaffa cakes.” – Grace
* * *
“There’s still lettuce in the shower.” – Josh
* * *
“A gay man and an architect can do anything.” – T.C.
* * *
“I want to drive around Cornwall terrifying people with Stephen Maturin’s cock.” – Catherine
* * *
“Ho’wil. That would be near Rapperswil, right?” – Dan
* * *
“There is very little smack in Orono, Maine.” – Josh
* * *
“Because all you really need in life is an eleven-inch black rubber dildo and a drinking horn.” – Grace
* * *
“Random naked lumpy people …” – Josh
* * *
“Because everybody knows that the rubrics require train tickets be used to mark the Bible readings. Otherwise it won’t count and God will be mad.” – Grace
* * *
“Those are the pope’s hos.” – Josh
* * *
“It’s orgy time at the crocodile kindergarten.” – Grace
* * *
“We fed you …” - Josh
“You fed me mold. And made my look at the toilet.” – Margaret
* * *
“If I’m going to eat a gummy man, I want to be able to see his pubic hair.” – Margaret
* * *
“No, no, she was manic-depressive, he was only an alcoholic crackhead!” – Catherine, on her mother’s friends
* * *
“The King does not need an Oyster card! The King is the son of Zeus!!” – Margaret
* * *
“Words every boy dreams of – ‘having sex with you reminds me of death’.” – Margaret
* * *
“God may be omnipotent, but he won’t take your exams for you.” – Margaret
“Bastard.” – Abi
* * *
“Barbie doll body parts are creepy enough on their own; they do not need to be attached to mutant fish.” – Margaret
* * *
“Oh, don’t worry, it’s nothing serious, just a slight case of DEAD.” – Margaret
* * *
“Angry sex should be like, ‘you flirted with someone else in front of me to make me jealous,’ not, ‘you killed my partner and the mother of my children’.” – Catherine
* * *
“I’m very modern – I get library books, videos and sex all online.” – Catherine
* * *
“It still tastes of mothballs.” – Margaret
“And yet, you’re eating it.” – Catherine
“It tastes of chocolate mothballs.” – Margaret
* * *
“No, you’re not going to jail – you’re just going to hell.” – Catherine
* * *
“I’m all against cultural imperialism, until I want some peanut M&M’s. And then I’m like, ‘GIVE ME MY GODDAM AMERICAN FOOD, BI-ATCH!!’” – Catherine
* * *
“And Cassius is like, ‘no, bitch!’ and Brutus is all, ‘Sure, Antony, whatever you want,’ and Cassius is like, *facepalm*” – Margaret
“I’m sure Shakespeare would be thrilled with this summary.” – Marion
* * *
“We shall continue another three exits to Friendly’s, the sum of all culinary good.” – Daddy
* * *
“She’s a great watchdog, she just watches for all the wrong things.” – Margaret
* * *
"I thought they were amputating my ... third leg, because I kept hearing them saying 'sterile.' And I remember thinking, 'hey, at least I've got Matthew!"" - David Gardner (Hampstead Players' David Gardner, not Sapna's David Gardner)
* * *
"You're just like those American G.I,'s - 'overpaid, oversexed, and over here'." - Lillian
"Lillian, let me assure you, - I am not overpaid." - Margaret
* * *
“There’s nothing on television in the daytime except horseracing and cricket.” – Susan
“What’s wrong with horseracing?!” – Grace
“What’s wrong with cricket??!!” – David Underdown
* * *
“Yeah, I think of Minnesota as a blue state, but South Dakota is just what-the-fuck-land.” – Grace
* * *
* * *
“I’m not groping you, I’m groping the penguin!” - Marion
* * *
"I'm leaving you and your dead dog." - Moray
* * *
"Do you think we'll be mentioned in each other's eulogies?" - Margaret
"We'll probably give each other's eulogies! (loooong silence.) Oh wait ..." - Catherine
* * *
"I've been too busy getting an education and making the world better to whore myself out so I can pay for my parents' DIY." - Margaret
* * *
"Not you personally, but you as a potential nutcase ..." - Moray
* * *
"I haven't even been back in the country for a day and already terrorists are trying to kill me and my family thinks I'm a prostitute." - Margaret
* * *
"They do have the potential to be quite good-looking, if you ignore the fact that they're sixteen years old and MY COUSINS."
"Yeah, guess we ought to look further afield."
"Probably a good idea. Do the Hydes have any attractive offspring? They're THIRD cousins!"
"But they don't have red hair."
"Do you ever worry that this obsession is a little out of control?"
"NO."
- Mommy and Margaret discuss matrimony in a charmingly Medieval fashion.
* * *
"You'd pay to watch that, wouldn't you? It would be the highlight of your life to see me say "penis" in front of 30 ten-year-olds." - Margaret to Michele, on teaching sex ed.
* * *
"Having recently watched Monty Python, I deeply regret not applying to Cambridge." - Brendan
* * *
"You could develop your skills as a rapper. I think it might be a hidden talent of yours. You could rap about Chinese economic development." - Margaret
"Here is my song . . . Hong Kong . . . Globalization has a history that's long ..." - Brendan
"Some people think it's WRONG, but they just won't go ALONG ..." - Margaret
"Something something Wong?" - Brendan
"I think it's a hit in the making." - Margaret
* * *
"Well, I'd like to write: child turned into a fire-breathing spawn of Satan whose behaviors made me want to flee from the home, but instead I have to write 'client demonstrated acting-out behaviors and had to be frequently redirected to his tasks."" - Michele
* * *
"Serious musical theatre fans would strap on the liederhosen if the cause demanded it." - Margaret
* * *
"Well, they gave me a BA. But it was in Latin, so it could have said 'you suck, but you gave us lots of money' for all I know." - Margaret
* * *
“Does that make someone your friend, if they wear all your underpants?” – Catherine
“These are deep theological questions that must be answered with much discourse.” – Margaret
* * *
“Because as partisan websites go, slobodanmilosevic.org is pretty up there.” – Catherine
* * *
"The frickin' Ukrainians ate all the ketchup." - Grace
* * *
"Look, have you ever tried to cut through an octopus with a table knife?!" - Josh
* * *
"No, it's just ghetto. It's not really fabulous. If there were, like, rhinestone-studded thongs hanging from it, then it would be fabulous." - Grace
* * *
"Yeah, 'cause I'm a gay necrophile and I want his royalties." - Josh
* * *
"Do I have to walk back down the mountain with copulating bees on my shorts?" - Grace
* * *
“PORN NEEDS TO SCAN!!” – Margaret
* * *
“The dog collar is a little bit jarring with the pink.” – Catherine
* * *
“Damn literary devices that make me want to burn shit!” – Catherine
* * *
“Wow. Their sex life must be hot. Because she’s totally clueless and he’s gay.” – Margaret
* * *
“Sorry, I don’t know why gay people remind me of garlic.” – Catherine
* * *
“He said, ‘sleep and sex are the two things that remind me I am mortal.’” – Margaret
“Not the bit where he was charging into battle with people waving pointy things at him?” – Catherine
“No, that didn’t really seem to do it.” – Margaret
“That would sure remind me I was mortal!!” – Catherine
* * *
“I think anyone who doesn’t like saying ‘yurt’ must be some kind of COMMUNIST!!” – Margaret
* * *
“Wouldn’t it be funny if you were at a funeral, and the priest said, ‘let us all take a moment to reflect on John’s last words … ‘AAH, GET IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF ME!!’ “ – Margaret
* * *
“When people accuse your religion of being violent, it’s kind of counterproductive to respond by bombing stuff.” – Grace
* * *
“A karate chop to the windpipe is not SUBTLE.” – Margaret
“It is if you do it fast.” – Catherine
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