New quotes: 2009, Part II

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“I don’t want to catch anyone using the word ‘incorrigible’!” – Moray

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“You fell over on the chair and then you were shouting something about vampirism and pie.” – Catherine

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“Why is it that dating me makes men think of death?” – Margaret

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“I am sick of deities hanging around in my tote bag!” – Catherine

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“Is there something wrong with us that we slash mortgage adverts?” – Catherine

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“And then there will be lots of guilt-ridden sex. And then a revolution.” – Margaret

“Glad you’ve got our weekend planned out.” – Malcolm

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“I enjoy judging others from behind my totally arbitrary line in the sand.” – Catherine

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“There are occasions that justify putting a cat in a suit, but there are NO occasions that justify putting a cat in a wig!” – Catherine

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“I can’t believe I’m thirty-three years old and I’ve never before thought about dinosaurs shagging!” – Malcolm

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“There are new advertising laws saying you can’t make a claim that your product is ‘green’ because of its lack of a certain chemical unless you can prove your competitors are using that chemical.” – Catherine

“So you can no longer say, ‘Our chocolate chip cookies do NOT contain depleted uranium! Our competitors DO NOT make this claim!’” – Margaret

(five minutes and a whole lot of depleted uranium jokes later …)

“I love how we use depleted uranium as, like, a joke.” – Margaret

“Not REAL depleted uranium.” – Catherine

“No – the IDEA of depleted uranium.” – Margaret

“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from THIS DEPLETED URANIUM!!” – Catherine

* * *

“I hear ONE more bit of impertinence from you and I’m gonna keelhaul you all ‘round My Friend PAIN!!” – Margaret

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“Just be sure to organize the Bacchanalian orgy and sacrifice online before you smash all the computers. ‘Cause last time I forgot and I found myself alone with a young male virgin and nobody to party with.” – Catherine

“ … Um … you had a young male virgin, didn’t you??” – Margaret

“Okay, so the evening wasn’t a total wash.” – Catherine

* * *

“So you changed your name to Gerald and moved to Switzerland …” – Catherine

“Well, who hasn’t?” – Margaret

* * *

“I just wanted to stick a fish full of pencils, that’s all I wanted!!” – Margaret

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“I think it’s definitely a problem if Malcolm has been transformed into that blue plastic stegosaurus. Because stegosauruses can’t sign the marriage register. Because they don’t have thumbs” – Margaret, in tones of despair

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“How awesome would it be if the Queen just randomly stuck her head out the windows of Buckingham Palace and shouted stuff at the tourists?” – Margaret

“Like, ‘hey, you kids, GET OFF MY LAWN!!’” – Catherine

“Or, ‘ARE YOU READY TO RUMMMBBBBLLLE?!’.” – Margaret

* * *

“So you’d be like, ‘Hi, my name is Malcolm, and for the last twenty years, I’ve been counting clowns in the forest’.” – Margaret

“… there aren’t many.” – Malcolm

* * *

“That turned out well, didn’t it? Well, it did end with Malcolm married to a zombie –”

“… and me in a convent, draped in cheese, and you heading for Equatorial Guinea on a Zamboni. So, not so much, really.” - Catherine and Margaret

* * *

“So if anyone needs me, I’ll be in a convent, draped in cheese.” - Margaret

* * *

"I'm going to lead." - Morgan

"Do you know where we're going?" - Cameron

"Yes." - Morgan

"Okay, so where do we go now?" - Cameron

"I don't know. But I'm leading." - Morgan

* * *

"I'm going to punch myself in the eye." - Morgan

"WHY are you going to punch yourself in the eye?" - Margaret

"Because my memory is not listening." - Morgan

* * *

"Quote board - now with added four-year-old." - Margaret

* * *

"So that's the worst-case scenario for our wedding ..." - Malcolm

"... Did you just say something about beating up a tramp?" - Margaret

* * *

"I think I could do domination more easily than stripping. I mean, basically, you're just sitting there watching disgusting old men get themselves off." - Catherine

"Yeah ... well, that's a risk you take every time you get on the Tube. And then you don't get paid for it. In fact, they make YOU pay." - Margaret

* * *

"Yeah, we all missed the bit in Hamlet where Ophelia went to the optometrist." - Margaret

* * *

"Ooh, something smells good. I think I'll go to lunch soon." - Margaret

"It's MEEEE!!" - Max

"... You smell like chicken?" - Margaret

"... sometimes ..." - Max

* * *

"I'm just trying to do my job, and I'm surrounded by tramps and porn stars smoking crack in the ladies' toilets!!" - Margaret

* * *

"I shouldn't have to rule my people with an iron fist and then take the Tube back to Hackney." - Margaret

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"So Saxe-Coburg is a little like Funky Town." - Catherine

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"It's very upbeat and bombastic and sounds good on an organ." - Margaret

"Like you!" (loooooooooooong pause) "Oh wait ..." - Catherine

* * *

"I'm going to go home and feed myself." - Margaret

"To the pigeons?" - Malcolm

"It's a radical weight-loss strategy, but it works." - Margaret