* * *
“They don’t make calendars of ‘Beligerent Swing Dancers’.” – Margaret
* * *
“Yeah, all the London bombers were supposed to be on the Tube, but … wait for it … THERE WERE DELAYS ON THE NORTHERN LINE AND ONE OF THEM COULDN’T GET ON A TRAIN. So he blew up the bus instead.” – Margaret
“Now that’s thinking on your feet! That’s improvising! They should promote that guy! Well, the bits of him that are left. They could find a finger and make it a lieutenant.” – Leah
* * *
“So basically, you’re supposed to play this passage ‘with loud meat’.” – Margaret reads music
* * *
“Why does your little pastoral love story have to include sheep vomiting on me?” – Catherine
* * *
“If you want to get a guy to break up with you, just come up with a new nickname for his genitalia.” – Catherine
“Shorty.” – Margaret
* * *
“We’re going to get arrested for having a massive china cabinet and being weird.” – Catherine
* * *
“My God, have you never heard of the croissant sweatshops of Tanzania?!?!” – Catherine
* * *
“I’m a lush, with meaty hair.” – Margaret
* * *
“And his friends did say unto him, ‘Dude. That’s hard-core.’.” – Catherine
* * *
“I’m not at my best at eight o’clock in the morning, and graphic sex between a man and a giant earthworm doesn’t improve matters.” – Olwen
* * *
“We should leave the peanuts and the crisps out in case Tony Blair needs to come hide under our dining room table.” – Catherine confuses the PM with Santa
* * *
“I have no problem eating human flesh, but I wouldn’t use a severed rabbit head as a paper weight.” – Nick
* * *
“Underneath it all, you’re really just a psycho bunny rabbit, aren’t you?” – Catherine
* * *
“Selfish little whore.” – Margaret, when Catherine refused to get a sex change and leg extensions in order to marry her.
* * *
“The Lord said to Noah, you’re not doing the dance.” – Margaret
* * *
* * *
“Castration can be funny, in the proper humourous context.” – Catherine
* * *
“Yeah, but I don’t have mansex. So I have to have more cheese.” – Catherine
* * *
“Condoleeza Rice is skinny, but probably because she feeds on evil.” – Catherine
* * *
" ‘Your father had a terrible accident in Mr. McGregor’s garden. He was made into a pie. And now I can’t get my lone parent benefit. So I’m going to have to sell you to the hedgehogs’.” – Margaret (updating Peter Rabbit for our times)
* * *
“Of course there was going to be cufflink porn – I’d just been looking at it on the internet!!” – Margaret
* * *
"I love that you know exactly how I'm psychologically crippling myself." - Michele
* * *
“They’d give me an A in suicide. Awarded posthumously.” – Leah
* * *
“My paper was delayed when I was assaulted by my flatmate’s ass.” – Catherine
* * *
“He was about two days away from putting up posters saying ‘Vote For Me: I’m Hung!’” – Catherine
* * *
“As long as we’re naked, we might as well be gay.” – Catherine
* * *
“Tonight my stomach looks fine and my hips look big; yesterday, it was the opposite.” – Margaret
“Maybe your fat molecules are waging a territorial war over your body parts. ‘Aha, we have recaptured the ass!!!’.” – Catherine
* * *
“It probably wins some sort of award for the most rape, incest and underage sex ever crammed into 148 words.” – Margaret, discussing a ficlet she wrote
“Nice job, church girl.” – Leah
* * *
“Yes children, tonight for entertainment, we’re going to make Catherine eat things.” – Margaret
* * *
“It has come to this. I’m being sexually molested by a microwave named ‘Sparky’.” – Margaret
* * *
“Does our entire friendship consist of mocking people and breaking things?” – Margaret to Michele
* * *
“My cat likes to call people ‘biatch’.” – Michele
* * *
“I want a baby that I can feed once a day, and poops in a box.” – Michele
* * *
“Yeah, I’d love to have you explain that one at the A&E. ‘I was injured by alcohol. Specifically, when my flatmate swung a wine bottle into my nose with a sock puppet’.” – Margaret
* * *
“I want to be at the cackling lesbian breast-fondling table!” – Sam
* * *
“So you have now shoplifted from Oxfam. Tell me, how does that feel?” – Catherine, to Josh.
* * *
“OK, so I have gay transvestite snowmen. On my head.” - Margaret
* * *
“If it’s a human head, I’m going to serve it anyway.” – Catherine, referring to the mysterious box claiming to contain the Thanksgiving turkey.
“If it’s a human head, I’m going to Perfect Chicken.” – Margaret
* * *
“We do not eat the computer table.” – Margaret, to a child in her class.
* * *
“Let’s not have dinosaurs attacking baby Jesus, okay?” – Margaret, to a child in her class.
* * *
“He was actually not too bad-looking in real life. Not that you would have been able to tell by the photo.” – Catherine, on a man who sent her friend a picture of his genitals before their blind date.
* * *
“I think when you’re fleeing pain and seeking pleasure, sock puppets are essential.” – Catherine
* * *
“Yeah. We don’t judge.” – Margaret, on a friend's relationship.
“May I judge??!!” – Sapna
* * *
“At what point did we decide it was the Antichrist?” – Catherine
“I decided. You were convinced it was cute.” – Margaret
* * *
“Happiness comes from meaning. Your meaning is to serve me. Be happy.” – Catherine
“I’m not letting you read my Psychotherapy textbooks any more.” – Margaret
* * *
“The French decided they didn’t like being Protestant, because they were not able to wear silly hats and caper about.” – Margaret
* * *
“This morning I went on MSN and there was a big headline that said ‘insurgents raid city hall of Bethlehem ’ and I thought ‘oh my God, that's only blocks from here!’.” – Michele, in Bethlehem , Pennsylvania.
* * *
“Is there a culturally sensitive way to cosh someone over the head with a haddock?” – Margaret
* * *
“Hubba hubba, I’m the Archbishop of Canterbury.” – Catherine
* * *
“I’ve never been involved in bribery and corruption, because I haven’t had the chance.” – Daddy
* * *
“I resent the suggestion that my father goes out in search of small fuzzy animals to put in the toaster.” – Catherine
* * *
“First of all, I’m not even ordained yet, and secondly, it won’t be into the monkey sacrifice cult.” – Grace
“The world needs the monkey sacrifice cult.” – Philip
* * *
“I shall have waffle children.” – Margaret
* * *
“While I have known lesbians with that much five o’clock shadow, I don’t know if it’s possible to be so butch that you’re metrosexual.” – Josh
* * *
"I have a rabid monkey eating my hand.” – Grace
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