2012, Part III

"I worry about the time that passes between me and my death." – Moray, on why he doesn’t read more

"When the heart is pure, the sofabed opens like the lotus flower. But when the heart is full of wickedness, the sofabed gets stuck halfway open and then makes a noise like 'KER-CRUNCH' and causes one to swear in creative ways." – Margaret

"Kitten jumpitude today is at red level." - Margaret

"Jumpitude patrols are on standby." - Malcolm"

"Warning: kitten jumpitude has been observed in your local area. Citizens are advised to take cover and await further instructions." - Margaret

"I'm bisexual when it comes to bacon." – Margaret

"I was born on November 12, 1963." - Harlequin

"Ten days before Kennedy was assassinated." - Margaret

"... alibi ... ?" – Moray

2012, Part II.

“WE ARE ON INSTANT MESSENGER FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES AND ALREADY TIME-TRAVELLING JEEVES IS HAVING SEX WITH CAPTAIN JACK WHILE SMUGGLING ARMS FOR THE SANS-CULOTTES NAPOLEONIC RESISTANCE.” - Margaret

“Instant Messenger 2004: we write brilliantly erotic, politically aware slash fiction. Instant Messenger 2012: we make plans to enslave our hapless single male friends as our pirate butlers. I'm not sure if our lives have improved or gotten a lot worse.” - Margaret

“You know what?  We should have a drinking game for The Apprentice, but because we're not drinking alcohol at the moment, we should drink TEA.  Wouldn't that be fun?"
"No. That would be boring."
"No, it would be AWESOME.  Like, every time they said 'Lord Sugar,' we'd be like, 'sluuuuurp'."
"No. That would be boring."
"Malcolm, I just don't think you're ready to handle my wild partying lifestyle." - Margaret and Malcolm

"It involves interior design and judging people - how could I NOT love it??" - Margaret

"I spend all day figuring out how to teach children about Jesus - I just want to come home and relax with some cocaine and hookers!" - Margaret

"STOP THE TRAIN! I'M METROSEXUAL!!" - Malcolm

“While I'm filled with the love of the Holy Spirit, I'll look out for the gay foot fetishists checking out my socks.” - Catherine

“Now I just have to sit here and smoke Jesus ...” - Margaret

“I'm just saying, if you're going to have a fetish, feet are more readily available than soft-bosomed clown dentists.” - Liz

“Board me rig, booze tit vixen!” - Margaret

“We played poker last night and now you have to make out with a sheep. That you may or may not have to catch.” - Catherine

“I mean, I DID threaten him with a knife once ...” - Catherine

“Yeah, but it was a long time ago, and it COULD have been an accident.” - Margaret

“I feel a sudden irresitible urge to get a vajazzle and spit on a tramp.” - Margaret, upon crossing the border into Essex

“You can't shivvy RAPE!!” - Liz

“We can go into the woods and sacrifice Liz to the God of the arse-nettles.” - Margaret

2011, part VI and 2012 part I

We lost a lot of quotes when the computer was stolen – that's why there's been such a gap. But here are the ones that remain.

* * *

"That's the kind of mum I hope I'm going to be." - Margaret
"What, a duvet cover?" - Malcolm

* * *

“You know things are getting bad when a call centre hangs up on you.” - Malcolm

* * *

"She says 'yoga retreat' the way other people might say 'concentration camp'." - Catherine

* * *

Pam: I can't believe they were going to release a motorbike called the Honda Smash. That's like having one called the Yamaha Carnage.
Cat: The Honda Oh God The Blood It's Everywhere.
Pam: The Kawasaki THE HORROR.

* * *

"It always ends with interpretive dance, Margaret. Always." - Sarah Day

* * *

"Come sit here on the couch next to me so I can watch your Bulgarian television." - Marion, from ages ago

2011, Part V.

I'm sure there were some from the trip to America, but I didn't write any of them down. So if anyone recalls anything funny that was said, let me know! In the meantime, here are some from before we left:

***

“I loved Brownies – at least, until the cops showed up.” – Malcolm

***

“You don’t get badges for being a Scout leader. Except for ‘yay – Head Paedophile!’” – Malcolm

***

“We’re perfectly sane! We have a flowchart!” – Cat

***

“You can move faster without pants.” – Moray

***

“WHERE ARE YOUR ARMOURED PANTS NOW??” – Liz

***

“We have to demystify knifeplay for the child.” – Margaret

“Yeah – send him to Auntie Liz. I’ll teach him all about playing with knives.” – Liz

***

“Kentucky – it’s all guns and paedophilia.” – Margaret

***

“Kentucky snuff porn – that’s how our dinner parties end up!” – Cat

***

“I was about to say ‘I’m off to go Holborning’ but then I realised that makes a really bad verb.” – Meg

“Hey, burn a ho for me while you’re there!” – Margaret

***

“Right, I’m going to go get a bottle of wine and a screwdriver. Because I’ve got MY night planned!” – Malcolm

***

WARNING: TMI COMING UP!!! LOOK AWAY NOW UNLESS YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT. AND DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED.

(this was in response to a dream I'd had in which someone was posting everyone's penis size on Facebook.)

“So it wouldn’t bother you AT ALL if I put ‘my husband’s penis is so big it’s like a TANK’ on Facebook RIGHT NOW?” – Margaret

“I think it would bother you more than it would bother me, so yeah, I’m prepared to call your bluff.” – Malcolm

“If I wrote, ‘It’s so big it’s like A JET ENGINE THAT CAN CHOP UP GEESE?’ You’d be okay with that?” – Margaret

“The purpose of a penis is not to chop up geese.” – Malcolm

“IT’S A SIMILE!!!” – Margaret

2011, Part IV.

"I literally walked into the bar five minutes ago." - Malcolm
"As opposed to metaphorically walking into the bar?" - Margaret
"Oh yeah, metaphorically I walked into the bar an hour and a half ago! Metaphorically, I'm pissed already!" - Malcolm

* * *

"This is what I get for missing out on fellating the pepper shaker earlier." - Grace

* * *

"... says the man with the socks on his ears, who just dry-humped the chair ..." - Grace

* * *

"Coconuts are the most prudish of the fruits, I think."

"I think they have a bad effect on you afterwards. So really, you shouldn't sleep with a coconut."

- Catherine and Liz

* * *

"Well, anything goes when you're gay and at a minor-league baseball game." - Margaret

* * *

"You're just a sad pathetic person with a nice cardigan." - Margaret

* * *

"What, you feel like you have to put on your hat to say 'bupkis'?" - Grace

* * *

"Do you think they kidnapped a child to get laminate flooring for free, or are they just biding their time until the ransom comes in?" - Catherine

* * *
“I was an ICT Coordinator. I know that turning it off and on again solves 90% of problems.” – Malcolm

“Yeah, well, when I was working on an Intensive Care Unit, it didn’t work so well with the life support machines …” – Catherine

“It was the alarm that kept throwing you off. You HAVE to remember to turn the ALARM off.” – Liz

* * *

“Who knew that there were SO many stories about living in a bathroom?” – Liz

* * *

“That’s how we grow in Africa! We start with the head and just grow out!” – Liz

“Yeah, we always think the shrunken heads are the END of the process …” – Catherine

* * *

“Would you be interested in cutting the cord? Because they let dads do that if they want to.” – Margaret

“Would I be allowed to use a samurai sword? If so, definitely. Either that or a chainsaw.” – Malcolm

* * *

“Well, I have an ‘incendiary device hidden inside a vegetable’ story too!” – Liz

* * *

“So a marrow is a cross between a shotgun and a baby …” – Malcolm

* * *
"Wait, they don't die?"
"No, they don't die."
"FAIL." - Mommy and Marion on "Web Site Story"

* * *

I've found a few old quotes that never made it in:

* * *

"How do you know I couldn't love you?! Take that knife out of your stomach and you'd actually be pretty hot!" - Margaret

* * *

"I was hoping you were paying so much attention to the sympathetic shoulder-rubbing that you didn't notice the face-stabbing." - Catherine

* * *

"It's the outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace." - Margaret
"What is, Leyton?" - Catherine

* * *

Margaret: Max, you have to show leadership by example.

Max: I am NOT going to show leadership by bringing three interns into a porn photoshoot!

* * *

"I need to go down to the supermarket and hunter-gather some meat." - Kevin Josling (in, like, 2006)