2012, Part IV

On how "talking about roads" is a national pastime in England: "They're going to make it an Olympic sport.  They'll have judges, who will say 'I liked the way you used the ring roads around Birmingham, but the route through Chippenham left a little to be desired, so it's a 6.7'." - Malcolm

 "I propose we celebrate peace with cake and make the Germans foot the bill. That's never ended badly." - Cousin Abby

“Ninjas!  Embrace your herpes!” – Liz

"Not every sexual act has to involve a bassoon!  THE BASSOON IS FOR HITLER!" - Catherine

"And then your twenty-year-old self and frosted-perm Hitler would come for you.  With a bassoon.  And they'd be PISSED." - Pam

"Your guilt is about spoiling their fun, not your attempt to be an illicit lizard pornographer?" - Pam
 

And a few Facebook conversations, saved for posterity:

Pam: 7 hours of training, 24 attendees, garden trashed by 2 cows, 2 office staff involved in motorbike crash, 3 bandaged limbs, 1 still in hospital (but not serious), 1 website launched. Pretty uneventful day really - so far.
Catherine: Now, if the garden had been trashed by 24 cows on motorbikes, that would be a different story.
Pam: Those bovine bike gangs are vicious.
Margaret: If the garden had been trashed by 24 cows on motorbikes, that would have been AWESOME. But Cat has an irrational and morbid fear of cows, so we can't take her opinions on this too seriously.
Catherine: IT IS NOT IRRATIONAL YOU WOULD HAVE A MORBID FEAR OF COWS TOO IF THEY KEPT TRYING TO KILL YOU.
Pam: So you address this by... eating them? Nothing shows them who's boss like a side of mash and some tarragon sauce.
Liz:They're not trying to kill you, they're trying to send you a message. The bovine underground network needs your help. Way less creepy.
Pam: You're the Chosen One, destined to lead the cows out of their delicious meaty slavery and into their true place as our almighty overlords... that's even more creepy.
Liz: I, for one, welcome our new bovine overlords.
Pam: I'd be fine with it too, so long as there could be some sort of Logan's Run carousel deal where they'd willingly die while still tender. They could call it Soylent Red.
Alec (friend of Pam's):  Cows on motorbikes? I can handle that, but we're all fucked once the sharks grow legs!

Moray:  Weather forecasts...what is the f~€%ing point?
Margaret: Jobs for poor unemployed TV presenters. It's a charity project in these tough times.
Liz: They're just trying to keep the mystery alive! Why do you hate the mystery? Are you dead inside?
Margaret: Moray not only hates mystery, but PUPPIES, FREEDOM and AMERICA. At least, that's what I took away from this status.
Liz: Tut tut. This is why the world is in the state it's in. Because of Moray.
Catherine: Yeah, only soulless puppy-haters use BOTH a euro sign AND a tilde in their statuses. Shun the unbeliever in weather forecasts!
Catherine: ‎(Don't you love how, within two hours of you griping about weather forecasts, three of your friends have turned out to condemn you as a hater who's dead inside? That's what we're here for! :))
Moray: Awwww...it's 'cos you know me so well. As I looked out at the glorious sunshine and cursed, it was nice to know that, despite my ugly, withered soul, you guys are there for me. It would have warmed my heart if I had one.
Margaret: I'm glad we warm your empty, hollow chest cavity. Now go find some three-legged puppies to kick and cheer yourself up.

 

2012, Part III

"I worry about the time that passes between me and my death." – Moray, on why he doesn’t read more

"When the heart is pure, the sofabed opens like the lotus flower. But when the heart is full of wickedness, the sofabed gets stuck halfway open and then makes a noise like 'KER-CRUNCH' and causes one to swear in creative ways." – Margaret

"Kitten jumpitude today is at red level." - Margaret

"Jumpitude patrols are on standby." - Malcolm"

"Warning: kitten jumpitude has been observed in your local area. Citizens are advised to take cover and await further instructions." - Margaret

"I'm bisexual when it comes to bacon." – Margaret

"I was born on November 12, 1963." - Harlequin

"Ten days before Kennedy was assassinated." - Margaret

"... alibi ... ?" – Moray

2012, Part II.

“WE ARE ON INSTANT MESSENGER FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES AND ALREADY TIME-TRAVELLING JEEVES IS HAVING SEX WITH CAPTAIN JACK WHILE SMUGGLING ARMS FOR THE SANS-CULOTTES NAPOLEONIC RESISTANCE.” - Margaret

“Instant Messenger 2004: we write brilliantly erotic, politically aware slash fiction. Instant Messenger 2012: we make plans to enslave our hapless single male friends as our pirate butlers. I'm not sure if our lives have improved or gotten a lot worse.” - Margaret

“You know what?  We should have a drinking game for The Apprentice, but because we're not drinking alcohol at the moment, we should drink TEA.  Wouldn't that be fun?"
"No. That would be boring."
"No, it would be AWESOME.  Like, every time they said 'Lord Sugar,' we'd be like, 'sluuuuurp'."
"No. That would be boring."
"Malcolm, I just don't think you're ready to handle my wild partying lifestyle." - Margaret and Malcolm

"It involves interior design and judging people - how could I NOT love it??" - Margaret

"I spend all day figuring out how to teach children about Jesus - I just want to come home and relax with some cocaine and hookers!" - Margaret

"STOP THE TRAIN! I'M METROSEXUAL!!" - Malcolm

“While I'm filled with the love of the Holy Spirit, I'll look out for the gay foot fetishists checking out my socks.” - Catherine

“Now I just have to sit here and smoke Jesus ...” - Margaret

“I'm just saying, if you're going to have a fetish, feet are more readily available than soft-bosomed clown dentists.” - Liz

“Board me rig, booze tit vixen!” - Margaret

“We played poker last night and now you have to make out with a sheep. That you may or may not have to catch.” - Catherine

“I mean, I DID threaten him with a knife once ...” - Catherine

“Yeah, but it was a long time ago, and it COULD have been an accident.” - Margaret

“I feel a sudden irresitible urge to get a vajazzle and spit on a tramp.” - Margaret, upon crossing the border into Essex

“You can't shivvy RAPE!!” - Liz

“We can go into the woods and sacrifice Liz to the God of the arse-nettles.” - Margaret

2011, part VI and 2012 part I

We lost a lot of quotes when the computer was stolen – that's why there's been such a gap. But here are the ones that remain.

* * *

"That's the kind of mum I hope I'm going to be." - Margaret
"What, a duvet cover?" - Malcolm

* * *

“You know things are getting bad when a call centre hangs up on you.” - Malcolm

* * *

"She says 'yoga retreat' the way other people might say 'concentration camp'." - Catherine

* * *

Pam: I can't believe they were going to release a motorbike called the Honda Smash. That's like having one called the Yamaha Carnage.
Cat: The Honda Oh God The Blood It's Everywhere.
Pam: The Kawasaki THE HORROR.

* * *

"It always ends with interpretive dance, Margaret. Always." - Sarah Day

* * *

"Come sit here on the couch next to me so I can watch your Bulgarian television." - Marion, from ages ago

2011, Part V.

I'm sure there were some from the trip to America, but I didn't write any of them down. So if anyone recalls anything funny that was said, let me know! In the meantime, here are some from before we left:

***

“I loved Brownies – at least, until the cops showed up.” – Malcolm

***

“You don’t get badges for being a Scout leader. Except for ‘yay – Head Paedophile!’” – Malcolm

***

“We’re perfectly sane! We have a flowchart!” – Cat

***

“You can move faster without pants.” – Moray

***

“WHERE ARE YOUR ARMOURED PANTS NOW??” – Liz

***

“We have to demystify knifeplay for the child.” – Margaret

“Yeah – send him to Auntie Liz. I’ll teach him all about playing with knives.” – Liz

***

“Kentucky – it’s all guns and paedophilia.” – Margaret

***

“Kentucky snuff porn – that’s how our dinner parties end up!” – Cat

***

“I was about to say ‘I’m off to go Holborning’ but then I realised that makes a really bad verb.” – Meg

“Hey, burn a ho for me while you’re there!” – Margaret

***

“Right, I’m going to go get a bottle of wine and a screwdriver. Because I’ve got MY night planned!” – Malcolm

***

WARNING: TMI COMING UP!!! LOOK AWAY NOW UNLESS YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT. AND DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED.

(this was in response to a dream I'd had in which someone was posting everyone's penis size on Facebook.)

“So it wouldn’t bother you AT ALL if I put ‘my husband’s penis is so big it’s like a TANK’ on Facebook RIGHT NOW?” – Margaret

“I think it would bother you more than it would bother me, so yeah, I’m prepared to call your bluff.” – Malcolm

“If I wrote, ‘It’s so big it’s like A JET ENGINE THAT CAN CHOP UP GEESE?’ You’d be okay with that?” – Margaret

“The purpose of a penis is not to chop up geese.” – Malcolm

“IT’S A SIMILE!!!” – Margaret