2010, part II

"It's colder tonight than last night - I don't think we'll be able to have any romantic interludes in the park." - Margaret
"Awww." - Malcolm
"But we can have a quick snog by the rubbish bins if you like!" - Margaret"
"Yaaay!" - Malcolm

* * *

Margaret: Why do you keep showering the bed with writing implements? Is it some sort of symbolic love gift to me? If so, your tribal rituals are very weird.
Malcolm: It's a satirical commentary on the state of marriage in the 21st century.
Margaret: ... uh ... how?
Malcolm: I don't know.
Margaret: You might want to work on that bit.

* * *

"Aww, your two wives get high together - that's so sweet!" - Catherine

* * *

"It says the next exit is ... fermee?? Does that mean ... on fire?" - Margaret

* * *

"You'd be like, 'hello, may I sit in your living room and eat this book and gargle occasionally? It's for science!'" - Margaret

"And they'd be like, 'oh my God, I thought you went home!'" - Catherine

* * *

"It's MIDGET SPIES, Margaret! Live the dream!" - Catherine

* * *

“I think there’s a limit to how much phenomenal cosmic power you can have earning £100 a day.” – Margaret

* * *

“If you’re lying there, draped in the American flag, you can get one of your ‘peacekeepers’ to get you some wine.”
“What if I appoint you my peacekeeper?”
“I’m going for a cigarette.”
“If I don’t get wine, the terrorists win! I DON’T HAVE WINE! THEY’RE WINNING!” - Malcolm and Margaret

* * *

“I can’t believe we’re sitting here, talking about shepherd boy porn, while my husband is locked in the recycling centre. With a waxwork.” – Margaret

* * *

[about fish porn] “Imagine being the director.”
“So, is it the act of laying eggs, or the money shot that’s important?” – Malcolm and Harlequin

* * *

“Were you inspired by Harry Harrison? And Snorri Sturluson? And Magnus Magnusson?” - Malcolm
“Yeah, I’m just writing the part where the Stainless Steel Rat deals someone their death blow by answering questions about the Belgian economy.” - Catherine
“… That’s one talented rat.” – Margaret

* * *

“I’m 150 pages in and nobody’s even died yet!” – Margaret, reading an Agatha Christie novel
“I *hate* books where you get 150 pages in and nobody’s even died! I read a bunch of books to the Reception class the other day and nobody died at ALL. I’ve just ordered a bunch of new books for Reception, I can tell you that!” – Malcolm

* * *

“Actually, maybe arming sleep-deprived new mothers with needles and scissors isn’t the best idea …” – Margaret

2010, Part I (with some 2009 quotes that were forgotten before).

I realise there were some repeats in the last update, but I'm not going to go back and fix it, so y'all can just deal. Also, there are some that got left out of the last update, so some of those are here, but predate the last post.

* * *

"I can't go to Kew Gardens on Thursday - I have ethics." - Liz Webster

* * *

"You hurt his feelings, COMMA, and belittled them!!" - Moray

* * *

"A three-year-old shouldn't make you doubt your own existence." - Liz Ellis

* * *

"Speaking of crazy things that you could do to your kids that would kill them ..." - Liz Ellis

* * *

"I didn't know what it was, but I knew it wasn't BLANCMANGE or MAGIC." - Catherine

* * *

"And then to the casual observer, it LOOKED like I stole a cookie from a homeless person, but this was NOT true ..." - Margaret

* * *

"Songs of Prey - a birdsong show for cats!" - Margaret

* * *

"Malcolm's never going to watch the football with us again - it's all coups and Muppet sex!" - Margaret

* * *

“I think you actually mentioned that it was a shame your shirt was ruined while it was still aflame.” – Catherine

* * *

“So, the depressing Nazis can now be the problem of the poor.” – Catherine
“WE ARE THE POOR.” – Margaret

* * *

“I just love the idea of using small, yet recalcitrant, animals as currency.” – Margaret

* * *

“Facebook keeps giving me ads for lesbians and cooking.”
"Do you like lesbians? Do you like cooking? Why not cook some lesbians?” – Catherine and Margaret

* * *

“NO! This twenty-first century is WRONG! You’ve got cats harvesting artichokes!” – Malcolm

* * *

"Breasts and people falling down. That’s going to be my wedding album. Maybe I should have hired a professional.” – Margaret

* * *

“Homer’s been misinterpreted for centuries. It’s all about cheesy fries.” – Catherine

* * *

“I may or may not know the name of one person who may or may not have gotten fat. Or bald.” – Catherine

* * *

Peter: Daddy has big penis!
Josh: ...err, thank you, Peter.
Peter: Peter have little penis.
Josh: Heh. Yes, that's right. Just don't say that at school.
Peter: Mommy's penis big too!
Josh: Peter, there's a little flaw in your logic there...

* * *

Me: Oh, how lovely, to be stepping out on a Saturday afternoon with my beau.

Malcolm: Indeed. To enjoy a promenade on the ... on Leyton High Street. Would it be presumptuous of me to ask if I may call on you later?

Me: Well, I shall have to check with Mama. Has she met your people? Are they suitable?

Malcolm: Well, we are connected to the Suffolk Houstons.

Me: Indeed? The Suffolk Houstons? I do believe we met them at the Duchess of Bedfordshire's birthday party. (pause) They all got shitfaced and fell down onto the whist table.

* * *

Malcolm: "We had to go to the butcher, and the baker, and -"

Liz Ellis: "The candlestick-maker?"

Malcolm: "No ..."

Liz Ellis: "I was just saying what everyone else was thinking ..."

2009, Part III

For some reason, only Catherine's and my quotes got written down in the last, like, six months. I know there have been a ton of memorable quotes from others, so I apologise for their not being included. If anyone has any, send them to me and I'll add them on.

* * *



* * *

“So you changed your name to Gerald and moved to Switzerland …” – Catherine
“Well, who hasn’t?” – Margaret

* * *

“I just wanted to stick a fish full of pencils, that’s all I wanted!!” – Margaret

* * *

“I think it’s definitely a problem if Malcolm has been transformed into that blue plastic stegosaurus. Because stegosauruses can’t sign the marriage register. Because they don’t have thumbs” – Margaret, in tones of despair

* * *

“How awesome would it be if the Queen just randomly stuck her head out the windows of Buckingham Palace and shouted stuff at the tourists?” – Margaret
“Like, ‘hey, you kids, GET OFF MY LAWN!!’” – Catherine
“Or, ‘ARE YOU READY TO RUMMMBBBBLLLE?!’.” – Margaret

* * *

“So you’d be like, ‘Hi, my name is Malcolm, and for the last twenty years, I’ve been counting clowns in the forest’.” – Margaret
“… there aren’t many.” – Malcolm

* * *

My goodness, you’re demanding. No breaks, no pay … I need a bubble-blowing union! - Margaret, to Peter

* * *

"You want me to call Annie and say, 'I need to know whether my tomatoes have developed botulism toxim - so what does Joan Rivers smell like?'" - Catherine

* * *

"I hate him!" - Margaret
"But he's so obnoxious and oversexed!" - Catherine
"Yes, and I don't like the competition." - Margaret

* * *

"I'm just trying to do my job and I'm surrounded by porn stars and tramps smoking crack in the toilets!" - Margaret

* * *

"I'm not going to get my dad JESUS for Christmas." - Catherine
"Yeah, Jesus is expensive." - Margaret
"Top-grade Jesus, yeah."
"Though actually, I could get Grace to turn this bread dough into Jesus for free." - Margaret
"You've got connections." - Catherine
"I have, at that." - Margaret

* * *

"It's actually kind of sick, when you think about it." - Margaret
"What, that we're taunting him with a tiny human hand?" - Catherine

* * *

"Oh my God, you made a person! And you didn't need a licence or anything? They don't even let people do that in laboratories! And they're SCIENTISTS!" - Catherine

* * *

"Do you think the beadle will understand the word 'babymama'?" - Catherine

* * *

"You COULD do kinky roleplays when you were eighty. Everyone would just think you had Alzheimer's." - Catherine

* * *

"'O ye of little cheese!' That's what I'm going to say the next time someone offers me miniature cheese. Which ... doesn't happen as often as I'd like." - Catherine
"You're a very peculiar person; did you know that?" - Margaret

New quotes: 2009, Part II

* * *

“I don’t want to catch anyone using the word ‘incorrigible’!” – Moray

* * *

“You fell over on the chair and then you were shouting something about vampirism and pie.” – Catherine

* * *

“Why is it that dating me makes men think of death?” – Margaret

* * *

“I am sick of deities hanging around in my tote bag!” – Catherine

* * *

“Is there something wrong with us that we slash mortgage adverts?” – Catherine

* * *

“And then there will be lots of guilt-ridden sex. And then a revolution.” – Margaret

“Glad you’ve got our weekend planned out.” – Malcolm

* * *

“I enjoy judging others from behind my totally arbitrary line in the sand.” – Catherine

* * *

“There are occasions that justify putting a cat in a suit, but there are NO occasions that justify putting a cat in a wig!” – Catherine

* * *

“I can’t believe I’m thirty-three years old and I’ve never before thought about dinosaurs shagging!” – Malcolm

* * *

“There are new advertising laws saying you can’t make a claim that your product is ‘green’ because of its lack of a certain chemical unless you can prove your competitors are using that chemical.” – Catherine

“So you can no longer say, ‘Our chocolate chip cookies do NOT contain depleted uranium! Our competitors DO NOT make this claim!’” – Margaret

(five minutes and a whole lot of depleted uranium jokes later …)

“I love how we use depleted uranium as, like, a joke.” – Margaret

“Not REAL depleted uranium.” – Catherine

“No – the IDEA of depleted uranium.” – Margaret

“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from THIS DEPLETED URANIUM!!” – Catherine

* * *

“I hear ONE more bit of impertinence from you and I’m gonna keelhaul you all ‘round My Friend PAIN!!” – Margaret

* * *

“Just be sure to organize the Bacchanalian orgy and sacrifice online before you smash all the computers. ‘Cause last time I forgot and I found myself alone with a young male virgin and nobody to party with.” – Catherine

“ … Um … you had a young male virgin, didn’t you??” – Margaret

“Okay, so the evening wasn’t a total wash.” – Catherine

* * *

“So you changed your name to Gerald and moved to Switzerland …” – Catherine

“Well, who hasn’t?” – Margaret

* * *

“I just wanted to stick a fish full of pencils, that’s all I wanted!!” – Margaret

* * *

“I think it’s definitely a problem if Malcolm has been transformed into that blue plastic stegosaurus. Because stegosauruses can’t sign the marriage register. Because they don’t have thumbs” – Margaret, in tones of despair

* * *

“How awesome would it be if the Queen just randomly stuck her head out the windows of Buckingham Palace and shouted stuff at the tourists?” – Margaret

“Like, ‘hey, you kids, GET OFF MY LAWN!!’” – Catherine

“Or, ‘ARE YOU READY TO RUMMMBBBBLLLE?!’.” – Margaret

* * *

“So you’d be like, ‘Hi, my name is Malcolm, and for the last twenty years, I’ve been counting clowns in the forest’.” – Margaret

“… there aren’t many.” – Malcolm

* * *

“That turned out well, didn’t it? Well, it did end with Malcolm married to a zombie –”

“… and me in a convent, draped in cheese, and you heading for Equatorial Guinea on a Zamboni. So, not so much, really.” - Catherine and Margaret

* * *

“So if anyone needs me, I’ll be in a convent, draped in cheese.” - Margaret

* * *

"I'm going to lead." - Morgan

"Do you know where we're going?" - Cameron

"Yes." - Morgan

"Okay, so where do we go now?" - Cameron

"I don't know. But I'm leading." - Morgan

* * *

"I'm going to punch myself in the eye." - Morgan

"WHY are you going to punch yourself in the eye?" - Margaret

"Because my memory is not listening." - Morgan

* * *

"Quote board - now with added four-year-old." - Margaret

* * *

"So that's the worst-case scenario for our wedding ..." - Malcolm

"... Did you just say something about beating up a tramp?" - Margaret

* * *

"I think I could do domination more easily than stripping. I mean, basically, you're just sitting there watching disgusting old men get themselves off." - Catherine

"Yeah ... well, that's a risk you take every time you get on the Tube. And then you don't get paid for it. In fact, they make YOU pay." - Margaret

* * *

"Yeah, we all missed the bit in Hamlet where Ophelia went to the optometrist." - Margaret

* * *

"Ooh, something smells good. I think I'll go to lunch soon." - Margaret

"It's MEEEE!!" - Max

"... You smell like chicken?" - Margaret

"... sometimes ..." - Max

* * *

"I'm just trying to do my job, and I'm surrounded by tramps and porn stars smoking crack in the ladies' toilets!!" - Margaret

* * *

"I shouldn't have to rule my people with an iron fist and then take the Tube back to Hackney." - Margaret

* * *

"So Saxe-Coburg is a little like Funky Town." - Catherine

* * *

"It's very upbeat and bombastic and sounds good on an organ." - Margaret

"Like you!" (loooooooooooong pause) "Oh wait ..." - Catherine

* * *

"I'm going to go home and feed myself." - Margaret

"To the pigeons?" - Malcolm

"It's a radical weight-loss strategy, but it works." - Margaret

Vintage quotes: 2009, Part I

* * *

"One of the things I love about the 21st century is being told "Mazel tov!" on my ordination as a female Episcopal priest by a gay bishop who's about to go to the inauguration of the biracial President whose middle name is Hussein.” – Grace (on Table Talk)

* * *

"I thought I was so clever! I’m not. I’m a plagiarising fuck with amnesia.” – Margaret

* * *

"Fine – it was the revolution of 1830. But it was French. With French people. And French words. And French soldiers. And French stuff.” – Catherine

"And sheep in overcoats.” – Margaret

"YES. I’d forgotten about that. What else went with sheep in overcoats?” – Catherine

"I don’t remember.” – Margaret

"Woodpeckers in space! That’s what it was!” – Catherine

"Oh yeah!!!” - Margaret

* * *

"Hey, I let him pick the national anthem for our country – what more does he want?” – Margaret

"What was the national anthem again?” – Catherine

"Barbie Girl.” – Margaret

* * *

"So, if I fancy a guy, all I have to do is trick him into selling me some chicken.” – Catherine

* * *

"This survey makes me realise how grown-up and mature I really am. I have a cat and a washer-dryer.” – Catherine

* * *

"Now I have to go watch ‘Hot Lesbian Sex Party In My Pants.’ I’m hoping it will uphold traditional Christian values, but I’m just not sure!” – Catherine

* * *

"I think you should apologise to my ovaries!” – Margaret

* * *

"It includes vomiting and sock puppets, which is all you really need for an evening’s entertainment.” – Margaret

* * *

"Because Heaven works in accordance with the provisions of the 1862 Homestead Act, as we all know.” – Margaret

* * *

"That’s the point when you realise you’re 3,000 miles away from the people you love, you’re fat, and you don’t believe in God any more. – Catherine