2013, Part III.

A few of mine and one of Cat's that got left off the last update by accident:
 
* * *

"That's it, I'm officially the fastest screw in the Hampstead Players." - Margaret


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"THERE WILL BE NO DONGING IN THE VESTRY." - Margaret


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"David, stop scaring the nice lady with your face." - Margaret

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"Liturgical whiplash: that disoriented feeling you get when you're simultaneously thinking about Ash Wednesday stuff, Easter stuff, and Baptism stuff." - Margaret
 
"Dunk the kid's head in ashes. Then perch a Peep on top of it.  Sorted." - Catherine

2013, Part II.

"So you got to go out with the girls last night while I stayed home and cleaned sweetcorn out of the bathtub." - Malcolm

* * *
"This chair is dirty and I need to clean it." - Margaret

"It is dirty because of caticles.  Caticles in catacombs. Singing canticles." - Malcolm

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"Your subconscious is full of books and storms and churches and interior decorating and RAGE." - Catherine

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"Right. I'm going to have some celery.  With mayonnaise.  Because that's how fucking hard I am." - Malcolm

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 "I've juggled with empty wine bottles before.  They have a neck to get purchase on, so it's better than milk bottles, but still probably not a great idea.  But honestly, if you have three empty wine bottles, you're probably not making the best decisions anyway." - Malcolm

2013, Part I.

"Starting 2013 as I mean to go on: slightly drunk, talking about sheep skulls, in possession of ChapStick, and not wearing underwear." - Margaret

* * *

"It was basically a weekend-long panic attack, interspersed with bouts of binge drinking.  It was BRILLIANT." - Margaret

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"EVERYBODY knows that a fruit bat in utero means you secretly hate your mother." - Liz

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"The feeling as he entered me was like ... a penguin. Diving into a ... sauna." - Malcolm writes his own version of "Fifty Shades of Grey"

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"A PINE MARTEN would have been a lot more decisive there." - Margaret

* * *

"So we'll retrieve my knickers from the pub and then get some lunch." - Margaret

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"I'm going to Google Mr. Head." - Moray 

* * * 

"Rapey AND racist!" - Margaret
"Rapeyracist dot com!" - Catherine
"Know your market!" - Pam

* * *

"Can I flip your goose?" - Malcolm
"Only if you buy it dinner first." - Catherine

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"You're a girl.  Do you wanna have fun?" - Malcolm
"Yes." - Margaret
"But do you JUST wanna have fun?" - Malcolm
"No." - Margaret
"Pop culture has LIED to me." - Malcolm 
  

2012, Part V

"It's rehydration through the power of racism!" - Catherine

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"I just want to see a robot in MC Hammer pants!!" - Pam

* * *

"So, it's Barney Miller and Optimus Time - robot from the future - in MC Hammer pants ..." - Pam

"AND THEY FIGHT CRIME." - Margaret

"Stop!  Miller time!" - Pam

* * *

"It makes a great conversation piece!" - Margaret

"Yes - would you like some chips and dip?" - Pam

"In the skull of a French hobo?" - Margaret

* * *

"Did it start with a discussion of the local parking authority?" - Malcolm

"No." - Margaret

"Then it's not GOOD porn, IS it?" - Malcolm

* * *

"So I'm searching for a book called 'Children's Ministry that Fits' - Amazon gave me that, but also 'hairdressers' single tap shampoo hose attachment'." - Margaret

"Well, I think that's important.  I mean - if you don't have good hair ..." - Malcolm

"Then Jesus doesn't love you?" - Margaret

"Pretty much, yes." - Malcolm

* * *

“Nun urine and hamster ovaries, Malcolm – that’s what I’m talking about.  It’s also the name of my Black Sabbath tribute band.” – Margaret

“I was thinking more along the lines of a delicious soup.” – Malcolm

* * *

“Green eggs and ham, yum yum yum yum.

When the rain stops, I’ll go shag mum.” – Moray does Dr. Seuss

* * *

“There is no fourth base, Moray.” – Margaret

“Oh, isn’t there?  Oh yes, I remember – I’ve had this problem with Catherine too …” – Moray

2012, Part IV

On how "talking about roads" is a national pastime in England: "They're going to make it an Olympic sport.  They'll have judges, who will say 'I liked the way you used the ring roads around Birmingham, but the route through Chippenham left a little to be desired, so it's a 6.7'." - Malcolm

 "I propose we celebrate peace with cake and make the Germans foot the bill. That's never ended badly." - Cousin Abby

“Ninjas!  Embrace your herpes!” – Liz

"Not every sexual act has to involve a bassoon!  THE BASSOON IS FOR HITLER!" - Catherine

"And then your twenty-year-old self and frosted-perm Hitler would come for you.  With a bassoon.  And they'd be PISSED." - Pam

"Your guilt is about spoiling their fun, not your attempt to be an illicit lizard pornographer?" - Pam
 

And a few Facebook conversations, saved for posterity:

Pam: 7 hours of training, 24 attendees, garden trashed by 2 cows, 2 office staff involved in motorbike crash, 3 bandaged limbs, 1 still in hospital (but not serious), 1 website launched. Pretty uneventful day really - so far.
Catherine: Now, if the garden had been trashed by 24 cows on motorbikes, that would be a different story.
Pam: Those bovine bike gangs are vicious.
Margaret: If the garden had been trashed by 24 cows on motorbikes, that would have been AWESOME. But Cat has an irrational and morbid fear of cows, so we can't take her opinions on this too seriously.
Catherine: IT IS NOT IRRATIONAL YOU WOULD HAVE A MORBID FEAR OF COWS TOO IF THEY KEPT TRYING TO KILL YOU.
Pam: So you address this by... eating them? Nothing shows them who's boss like a side of mash and some tarragon sauce.
Liz:They're not trying to kill you, they're trying to send you a message. The bovine underground network needs your help. Way less creepy.
Pam: You're the Chosen One, destined to lead the cows out of their delicious meaty slavery and into their true place as our almighty overlords... that's even more creepy.
Liz: I, for one, welcome our new bovine overlords.
Pam: I'd be fine with it too, so long as there could be some sort of Logan's Run carousel deal where they'd willingly die while still tender. They could call it Soylent Red.
Alec (friend of Pam's):  Cows on motorbikes? I can handle that, but we're all fucked once the sharks grow legs!

Moray:  Weather forecasts...what is the f~€%ing point?
Margaret: Jobs for poor unemployed TV presenters. It's a charity project in these tough times.
Liz: They're just trying to keep the mystery alive! Why do you hate the mystery? Are you dead inside?
Margaret: Moray not only hates mystery, but PUPPIES, FREEDOM and AMERICA. At least, that's what I took away from this status.
Liz: Tut tut. This is why the world is in the state it's in. Because of Moray.
Catherine: Yeah, only soulless puppy-haters use BOTH a euro sign AND a tilde in their statuses. Shun the unbeliever in weather forecasts!
Catherine: ‎(Don't you love how, within two hours of you griping about weather forecasts, three of your friends have turned out to condemn you as a hater who's dead inside? That's what we're here for! :))
Moray: Awwww...it's 'cos you know me so well. As I looked out at the glorious sunshine and cursed, it was nice to know that, despite my ugly, withered soul, you guys are there for me. It would have warmed my heart if I had one.
Margaret: I'm glad we warm your empty, hollow chest cavity. Now go find some three-legged puppies to kick and cheer yourself up.