2011, Part III.

A bunch of new quotes - we've been prolific! Also, a few that I rediscovered going through old emails.

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“This is SPARTAAAA!” – Catherine

“… no it’s not, it’s Leyton.” – Margaret

“This is LEYTOOOOOOON!!!!!” – Catherine

“Seriously, though, sack the place. It would look exactly the same. I look at pictures of BAGHDAD, and I think, ‘hey, that looks like Leyton!’” – Margaret

“Hmm.” – Catherine

“Specifically, Baker’s Arms.” – Margaret

***

“I was anointing your feet like Mary Magdalene did to Jesus.” – Margaret

“No you fucking weren’t! You just spilled raita all over my feet! Mary Magdalene didn’t go, ‘Whoops! Oh crap! I just spilled shit all over your feet!’” – Malcolm

“We don’t know that. The Gospel record is incomplete.” – Margaret

“Oh, it’s just like the Last Supper. Maybe the whole thing was over a pizza.” – Malcolm

“So the whole thing was just a tragic misunderstanding over a takeaway. Jesus just didn’t like pizza crusts! He was passing them around – ‘hey, does anyone want my crusts?’” – Margaret

“ ‘REMEMBER! I don’t LIKE CRUSTS. Whenever you order pizza, REMEMBER ME. REMEMBER I DON’T LIKE CRUSTS.” – Malcolm

“Now if there had been a stuffed crust option available …” – Margaret

“Pizza Hut was tragically too late.” – Malcolm

“The WHOLE HISTORY of Western Civilisation would have been different if there had been STUFFED CRUST PIZZA at the Last Supper.” – Margaret

***

“Yeah, that spider [in Australia] was literally as big as my hand. So I screamed and somersaulted back into the house and everyone else came downstairs, and they were all either from England or Canada, so THEY screamed and ran away.” – Malcolm

“What did you do?” – Catherine

“We just closed the door and locked it.” – Malcolm

“I love that you LOCKED it.” – Catherine

***

“I TOLD you just to dispose of the body quietly, but noooooo, you HAD to take a trophy …” – Liz

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“I pity the fool who don’t want my homemade fudge!!” – Catherine

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“I’m going to be the whitest woman who ever had children with Mr. T.” – Catherine

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“I was outside with the Year Ones looking for signs of spring, and a fucking fly flew into my mouth.”

“That is a sign of spring.”

“Yeah, I got the irony at the time, thank you.” - Margaret and Catherine

***

“Josh: "Money is good, Derryfield [school] is easy, and they have coffeemakers."
Grace: "Quote Board!"
Peter (age 3): "Qo' Boar'!"”

***

Damn straight. (pause) Or maybe I'm God. (pause) Does God make brownies? –Josh

***

Margaret: Seeeee the USA, in your Chevrolet, America wants you to -
Malcolm: Margaret, you cannot subject me to this any longer.
Margaret: Let me call you sweetheart, I’m in love with you -
Malcolm: I have something to tell you. The wedding registry - I signed it with my right hand instead of my left. We're not really married -
Margaret: WHERE OH WHERE HAS MY LITTLE DOG GONE, OH WHERE OH WHERE CAN HE BE -
Malcolm: It was a forgery! A trick! I don't have to stay here!
Margaret: HEEEEEE'S HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE -
Malcolm: I'M LEAVING!
Margaret: WHERE THEY CHOP DOWN THE OLD OAK TREE!

2011, Part II.

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“Nouns are for sissies!” – Margaret

“That’s what I’ve always said! Nouns are for … um … those things!” – Catherine

***

“I have no idea what any of this means. I think these people are high.” – Margaret, reading submission guidelines for a literary journal

“I definitely think they’re high. And they have a thesaurus.” – Catherine

***

“It’s LEYTON! You could find crack MUCH more easily than you could find paté!” – Margaret

***

“I intend to resist the temptation to make edible animals. Life is short.” – Mommy

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“A RACIST Bank Holiday?” – Catherine

“No! Races – COMMA – Bank Holidays –“ – Margaret

“Oh, okay. So what would a Racist Bank Holiday look like? ‘The shops are closed and we hate you’?” – Catherine

***

“I’m just worried that our child will get your physical risk-taking and my lack of coordination. He’ll be lighting himself on fire while tripping over his own feet.” – Margaret

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“If I had a velociraptor, I would so watch ‘Downton Abbey’ with him.” – Catherine

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“I think I’ll make this for the party.” (shows online recipe)

“A website?”

- Catherine and Malcolm

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“Grammar. It’s a matter of life and death.” – Catherine

***

“I hate you, small, blind, psychic Margaret!” - Catherine

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“Yes, but decant it into the crystal decanter, not the glass one! WE ARE NOT BARBARIANS!!!” – Margaret

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“Yes, but how do we get the llamas into pants?” – Catherine

***

“I think we should have some French toast.” – Catherine

“Yes. And then we’ll sedate us some llamas.” – Margaret

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“It’s a vicious cycle of unemployment and perfectionism.” – Liz

***

]# - Celia’s first attempt at the written word

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“You do know it [the fencing foil] isn’t pointy, right?”

“YET. I’m South African. I can make shivs out of things you don’t even want to know about.”

- Catherine and Liz

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Catherine found some old quotes in a file somewhere, which never made it onto the board. Some of these are as old as 2006, while some are quite recent:

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“After me, no man was good enough for her – not even God.”

- Nicholas, on his ex-girlfriend, who then became a nun before leaving holy orders and coming out as a lesbian

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“I would get knocked up just for the dental care.” – Liz

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“There are no adverse weather conditions in my vagina!” – Margaret

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“There’s nothing wrong with puppet sex from a philosophical perspective.” – Erin

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“All the boys just want you for your PhD, Erin.” - Margaret

***

“We would have noticed a velociraptor picking the lock. I think.” - Margaret

2010, part III. and 2011, part I.

* * *

"If Jesus had used a proper rota, he would never have been crucified!!" - Margaret

* * *

"If you have weasels every day, what do you do for Christmas?? That's what I've always said!" - Margaret

* * *

“Sorry … you just pointed to a massive pile of crap … within ANOTHER massive pile of crap … to inform me which JENGA PIECE in that pile-of-crap-within-a-pile-of-crap … was my delicious chocolatey treat?!” – Margaret
“I thought you might need some guidance … ?” – Catherine

* * *

“I just didn’t know that ground-up jihadis prevented dandruff.” – Catherine
“It’s a newly discovered phenomenon.” – Malcolm

* * *

“Supporting the weight of your own head is for LOSERS.” – Catherine

* * *

“It says wind speed is 8… um, kts?”
“Knots?”
“… Maybe.”
“Catherine Martin, meteorologist!”
“Hey! There were letters missing!”
“And as we all know, you CAN’T read something when some of the letters AREN’T there.”
“… I hate you.”
“LOL.”
- Catherine and Margaret

* * *

“Great. You’ve been back two hours and already we’re arguing over who got the stuffed owl drunk for the first time.” – Catherine

* * *

“I need crack!” – Peter, 2 years and ten months

* * *

“Claire was FLIRTING with me.” – Peter, 2 years and ten months

* * *

“For a three-foot-tall stuffed snowman, it’s actually rather tasteful.” – Grace

* * *

“Feudal Japanese society was obviously a bit more duty-bound than Victorian society – if you threw a bad dinner party, your social superiors couldn’t order you to commit ritual suicide.” – Catherine
“Yeah.” – Margaret
“Actually, that would be kind of awesome. ‘The soup was lukewarm! You must commit seppuku!’” – Catherine
“ ‘No, no, that’s the fish knife, you wanton!! Use the meat knife!’” – Margaret

* * *

"I went into Tesco to get a sandwich, and came out with two bottles of champagne and lottery tickets." - Malcolm
"I think I just fell in love with you all over again." - Margaret

2010, part II

"It's colder tonight than last night - I don't think we'll be able to have any romantic interludes in the park." - Margaret
"Awww." - Malcolm
"But we can have a quick snog by the rubbish bins if you like!" - Margaret"
"Yaaay!" - Malcolm

* * *

Margaret: Why do you keep showering the bed with writing implements? Is it some sort of symbolic love gift to me? If so, your tribal rituals are very weird.
Malcolm: It's a satirical commentary on the state of marriage in the 21st century.
Margaret: ... uh ... how?
Malcolm: I don't know.
Margaret: You might want to work on that bit.

* * *

"Aww, your two wives get high together - that's so sweet!" - Catherine

* * *

"It says the next exit is ... fermee?? Does that mean ... on fire?" - Margaret

* * *

"You'd be like, 'hello, may I sit in your living room and eat this book and gargle occasionally? It's for science!'" - Margaret

"And they'd be like, 'oh my God, I thought you went home!'" - Catherine

* * *

"It's MIDGET SPIES, Margaret! Live the dream!" - Catherine

* * *

“I think there’s a limit to how much phenomenal cosmic power you can have earning £100 a day.” – Margaret

* * *

“If you’re lying there, draped in the American flag, you can get one of your ‘peacekeepers’ to get you some wine.”
“What if I appoint you my peacekeeper?”
“I’m going for a cigarette.”
“If I don’t get wine, the terrorists win! I DON’T HAVE WINE! THEY’RE WINNING!” - Malcolm and Margaret

* * *

“I can’t believe we’re sitting here, talking about shepherd boy porn, while my husband is locked in the recycling centre. With a waxwork.” – Margaret

* * *

[about fish porn] “Imagine being the director.”
“So, is it the act of laying eggs, or the money shot that’s important?” – Malcolm and Harlequin

* * *

“Were you inspired by Harry Harrison? And Snorri Sturluson? And Magnus Magnusson?” - Malcolm
“Yeah, I’m just writing the part where the Stainless Steel Rat deals someone their death blow by answering questions about the Belgian economy.” - Catherine
“… That’s one talented rat.” – Margaret

* * *

“I’m 150 pages in and nobody’s even died yet!” – Margaret, reading an Agatha Christie novel
“I *hate* books where you get 150 pages in and nobody’s even died! I read a bunch of books to the Reception class the other day and nobody died at ALL. I’ve just ordered a bunch of new books for Reception, I can tell you that!” – Malcolm

* * *

“Actually, maybe arming sleep-deprived new mothers with needles and scissors isn’t the best idea …” – Margaret

2010, Part I (with some 2009 quotes that were forgotten before).

I realise there were some repeats in the last update, but I'm not going to go back and fix it, so y'all can just deal. Also, there are some that got left out of the last update, so some of those are here, but predate the last post.

* * *

"I can't go to Kew Gardens on Thursday - I have ethics." - Liz Webster

* * *

"You hurt his feelings, COMMA, and belittled them!!" - Moray

* * *

"A three-year-old shouldn't make you doubt your own existence." - Liz Ellis

* * *

"Speaking of crazy things that you could do to your kids that would kill them ..." - Liz Ellis

* * *

"I didn't know what it was, but I knew it wasn't BLANCMANGE or MAGIC." - Catherine

* * *

"And then to the casual observer, it LOOKED like I stole a cookie from a homeless person, but this was NOT true ..." - Margaret

* * *

"Songs of Prey - a birdsong show for cats!" - Margaret

* * *

"Malcolm's never going to watch the football with us again - it's all coups and Muppet sex!" - Margaret

* * *

“I think you actually mentioned that it was a shame your shirt was ruined while it was still aflame.” – Catherine

* * *

“So, the depressing Nazis can now be the problem of the poor.” – Catherine
“WE ARE THE POOR.” – Margaret

* * *

“I just love the idea of using small, yet recalcitrant, animals as currency.” – Margaret

* * *

“Facebook keeps giving me ads for lesbians and cooking.”
"Do you like lesbians? Do you like cooking? Why not cook some lesbians?” – Catherine and Margaret

* * *

“NO! This twenty-first century is WRONG! You’ve got cats harvesting artichokes!” – Malcolm

* * *

"Breasts and people falling down. That’s going to be my wedding album. Maybe I should have hired a professional.” – Margaret

* * *

“Homer’s been misinterpreted for centuries. It’s all about cheesy fries.” – Catherine

* * *

“I may or may not know the name of one person who may or may not have gotten fat. Or bald.” – Catherine

* * *

Peter: Daddy has big penis!
Josh: ...err, thank you, Peter.
Peter: Peter have little penis.
Josh: Heh. Yes, that's right. Just don't say that at school.
Peter: Mommy's penis big too!
Josh: Peter, there's a little flaw in your logic there...

* * *

Me: Oh, how lovely, to be stepping out on a Saturday afternoon with my beau.

Malcolm: Indeed. To enjoy a promenade on the ... on Leyton High Street. Would it be presumptuous of me to ask if I may call on you later?

Me: Well, I shall have to check with Mama. Has she met your people? Are they suitable?

Malcolm: Well, we are connected to the Suffolk Houstons.

Me: Indeed? The Suffolk Houstons? I do believe we met them at the Duchess of Bedfordshire's birthday party. (pause) They all got shitfaced and fell down onto the whist table.

* * *

Malcolm: "We had to go to the butcher, and the baker, and -"

Liz Ellis: "The candlestick-maker?"

Malcolm: "No ..."

Liz Ellis: "I was just saying what everyone else was thinking ..."