2013, Part I.

"Starting 2013 as I mean to go on: slightly drunk, talking about sheep skulls, in possession of ChapStick, and not wearing underwear." - Margaret

* * *

"It was basically a weekend-long panic attack, interspersed with bouts of binge drinking.  It was BRILLIANT." - Margaret

* * *

"EVERYBODY knows that a fruit bat in utero means you secretly hate your mother." - Liz

* * *

"The feeling as he entered me was like ... a penguin. Diving into a ... sauna." - Malcolm writes his own version of "Fifty Shades of Grey"

* * *

"A PINE MARTEN would have been a lot more decisive there." - Margaret

* * *

"So we'll retrieve my knickers from the pub and then get some lunch." - Margaret

* * *

"I'm going to Google Mr. Head." - Moray 

* * * 

"Rapey AND racist!" - Margaret
"Rapeyracist dot com!" - Catherine
"Know your market!" - Pam

* * *

"Can I flip your goose?" - Malcolm
"Only if you buy it dinner first." - Catherine

* * *

"You're a girl.  Do you wanna have fun?" - Malcolm
"Yes." - Margaret
"But do you JUST wanna have fun?" - Malcolm
"No." - Margaret
"Pop culture has LIED to me." - Malcolm 
  

2012, Part V

"It's rehydration through the power of racism!" - Catherine

* * *

"I just want to see a robot in MC Hammer pants!!" - Pam

* * *

"So, it's Barney Miller and Optimus Time - robot from the future - in MC Hammer pants ..." - Pam

"AND THEY FIGHT CRIME." - Margaret

"Stop!  Miller time!" - Pam

* * *

"It makes a great conversation piece!" - Margaret

"Yes - would you like some chips and dip?" - Pam

"In the skull of a French hobo?" - Margaret

* * *

"Did it start with a discussion of the local parking authority?" - Malcolm

"No." - Margaret

"Then it's not GOOD porn, IS it?" - Malcolm

* * *

"So I'm searching for a book called 'Children's Ministry that Fits' - Amazon gave me that, but also 'hairdressers' single tap shampoo hose attachment'." - Margaret

"Well, I think that's important.  I mean - if you don't have good hair ..." - Malcolm

"Then Jesus doesn't love you?" - Margaret

"Pretty much, yes." - Malcolm

* * *

“Nun urine and hamster ovaries, Malcolm – that’s what I’m talking about.  It’s also the name of my Black Sabbath tribute band.” – Margaret

“I was thinking more along the lines of a delicious soup.” – Malcolm

* * *

“Green eggs and ham, yum yum yum yum.

When the rain stops, I’ll go shag mum.” – Moray does Dr. Seuss

* * *

“There is no fourth base, Moray.” – Margaret

“Oh, isn’t there?  Oh yes, I remember – I’ve had this problem with Catherine too …” – Moray

2012, Part IV

On how "talking about roads" is a national pastime in England: "They're going to make it an Olympic sport.  They'll have judges, who will say 'I liked the way you used the ring roads around Birmingham, but the route through Chippenham left a little to be desired, so it's a 6.7'." - Malcolm

 "I propose we celebrate peace with cake and make the Germans foot the bill. That's never ended badly." - Cousin Abby

“Ninjas!  Embrace your herpes!” – Liz

"Not every sexual act has to involve a bassoon!  THE BASSOON IS FOR HITLER!" - Catherine

"And then your twenty-year-old self and frosted-perm Hitler would come for you.  With a bassoon.  And they'd be PISSED." - Pam

"Your guilt is about spoiling their fun, not your attempt to be an illicit lizard pornographer?" - Pam
 

And a few Facebook conversations, saved for posterity:

Pam: 7 hours of training, 24 attendees, garden trashed by 2 cows, 2 office staff involved in motorbike crash, 3 bandaged limbs, 1 still in hospital (but not serious), 1 website launched. Pretty uneventful day really - so far.
Catherine: Now, if the garden had been trashed by 24 cows on motorbikes, that would be a different story.
Pam: Those bovine bike gangs are vicious.
Margaret: If the garden had been trashed by 24 cows on motorbikes, that would have been AWESOME. But Cat has an irrational and morbid fear of cows, so we can't take her opinions on this too seriously.
Catherine: IT IS NOT IRRATIONAL YOU WOULD HAVE A MORBID FEAR OF COWS TOO IF THEY KEPT TRYING TO KILL YOU.
Pam: So you address this by... eating them? Nothing shows them who's boss like a side of mash and some tarragon sauce.
Liz:They're not trying to kill you, they're trying to send you a message. The bovine underground network needs your help. Way less creepy.
Pam: You're the Chosen One, destined to lead the cows out of their delicious meaty slavery and into their true place as our almighty overlords... that's even more creepy.
Liz: I, for one, welcome our new bovine overlords.
Pam: I'd be fine with it too, so long as there could be some sort of Logan's Run carousel deal where they'd willingly die while still tender. They could call it Soylent Red.
Alec (friend of Pam's):  Cows on motorbikes? I can handle that, but we're all fucked once the sharks grow legs!

Moray:  Weather forecasts...what is the f~€%ing point?
Margaret: Jobs for poor unemployed TV presenters. It's a charity project in these tough times.
Liz: They're just trying to keep the mystery alive! Why do you hate the mystery? Are you dead inside?
Margaret: Moray not only hates mystery, but PUPPIES, FREEDOM and AMERICA. At least, that's what I took away from this status.
Liz: Tut tut. This is why the world is in the state it's in. Because of Moray.
Catherine: Yeah, only soulless puppy-haters use BOTH a euro sign AND a tilde in their statuses. Shun the unbeliever in weather forecasts!
Catherine: ‎(Don't you love how, within two hours of you griping about weather forecasts, three of your friends have turned out to condemn you as a hater who's dead inside? That's what we're here for! :))
Moray: Awwww...it's 'cos you know me so well. As I looked out at the glorious sunshine and cursed, it was nice to know that, despite my ugly, withered soul, you guys are there for me. It would have warmed my heart if I had one.
Margaret: I'm glad we warm your empty, hollow chest cavity. Now go find some three-legged puppies to kick and cheer yourself up.

 

2012, Part III

"I worry about the time that passes between me and my death." – Moray, on why he doesn’t read more

"When the heart is pure, the sofabed opens like the lotus flower. But when the heart is full of wickedness, the sofabed gets stuck halfway open and then makes a noise like 'KER-CRUNCH' and causes one to swear in creative ways." – Margaret

"Kitten jumpitude today is at red level." - Margaret

"Jumpitude patrols are on standby." - Malcolm"

"Warning: kitten jumpitude has been observed in your local area. Citizens are advised to take cover and await further instructions." - Margaret

"I'm bisexual when it comes to bacon." – Margaret

"I was born on November 12, 1963." - Harlequin

"Ten days before Kennedy was assassinated." - Margaret

"... alibi ... ?" – Moray

2012, Part II.

“WE ARE ON INSTANT MESSENGER FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES AND ALREADY TIME-TRAVELLING JEEVES IS HAVING SEX WITH CAPTAIN JACK WHILE SMUGGLING ARMS FOR THE SANS-CULOTTES NAPOLEONIC RESISTANCE.” - Margaret

“Instant Messenger 2004: we write brilliantly erotic, politically aware slash fiction. Instant Messenger 2012: we make plans to enslave our hapless single male friends as our pirate butlers. I'm not sure if our lives have improved or gotten a lot worse.” - Margaret

“You know what?  We should have a drinking game for The Apprentice, but because we're not drinking alcohol at the moment, we should drink TEA.  Wouldn't that be fun?"
"No. That would be boring."
"No, it would be AWESOME.  Like, every time they said 'Lord Sugar,' we'd be like, 'sluuuuurp'."
"No. That would be boring."
"Malcolm, I just don't think you're ready to handle my wild partying lifestyle." - Margaret and Malcolm

"It involves interior design and judging people - how could I NOT love it??" - Margaret

"I spend all day figuring out how to teach children about Jesus - I just want to come home and relax with some cocaine and hookers!" - Margaret

"STOP THE TRAIN! I'M METROSEXUAL!!" - Malcolm

“While I'm filled with the love of the Holy Spirit, I'll look out for the gay foot fetishists checking out my socks.” - Catherine

“Now I just have to sit here and smoke Jesus ...” - Margaret

“I'm just saying, if you're going to have a fetish, feet are more readily available than soft-bosomed clown dentists.” - Liz

“Board me rig, booze tit vixen!” - Margaret

“We played poker last night and now you have to make out with a sheep. That you may or may not have to catch.” - Catherine

“I mean, I DID threaten him with a knife once ...” - Catherine

“Yeah, but it was a long time ago, and it COULD have been an accident.” - Margaret

“I feel a sudden irresitible urge to get a vajazzle and spit on a tramp.” - Margaret, upon crossing the border into Essex

“You can't shivvy RAPE!!” - Liz

“We can go into the woods and sacrifice Liz to the God of the arse-nettles.” - Margaret